• An attempt at sorting my thoughts:

    by  • February 9, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Thoughts • 0 Comments

    I’ve recently realized that wish I could go back to live where I once escaped to. I guess I took it for granted in the sense that I forgot how different the overall atmosphere of the majority of the people is here- the whole reason I moved there in the first place. However, leaving there was the wisest choice for the sake of my own well being at that time, and it meant leaving for good…I think. THAT place was wonderful even at the worst of times. THIS place is toxic, these people are poison, it sucks the life out of me when I’m not paying attention, It somehow holds me back, it always has, but “it always will” is NOT an option.There will come a day when all of this crap won’t matter, it won’t even cross my mind. Luckily, even through the unruly amount of hardships and trauma we’ve been through, my family is one which is unconditionally here for me through anything and everything. I know not everyone has that, and I couldn’t be more thankful that I’m one of those who have the priceless fortune of knowing first hand what a family really is. I’ll find a way around these problems, I always do – It’s how I function – I WON’T give up, I refuse to crumble ESPECIALLY when it seems like I’m already in pieces. That’s probably the one thing people see in me that I can also recognize and am impressed by. It’s so easy to give up, to give in, and to take the beaten path so that the bumps and bruises don’t hurt nearly as much as they would paving my own way, not knowing what comes next… That’s not me who I am though.

    They all see that; what they don’t really notice about me-
    I’m sneakier than they’d ever think, EVER, and I use it to my advantage when I need to. I know i could so easily get a lot out of this “skill” and more so with the fact that it mostly goes unnoticed, but I know the difference between right and wrong. I chose to avoid using it against people, or in a negatively manipulative way, because I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. In turn, as with so many positive aspects of all sorts of people, it goes unnoticed. This isn’t unreasonable or confusing, it isn’t offensive to me at ALL, it doesn’t disappoint me in the least because I don’t gain respect for choosing the more respectable way. To be realistic, its better off that they are unaware. Many people tend to focus on catching the ones who are out to intentionally, or more commonly unintentionally, hurt others. its unexpected and nearly unheard of for someone to see this ability in people if they aren’t proving to be a shit head. We all know what having that slyness can get for us, and its so desirable and easy to fall into. Once you cave its like a drug, its something you don’t really want to stop even when you see what damage it might cause, and I’ll admit that I do have the desire to show certain people what I really am capable of, the people who use this same approach against me, the people who are the most blind to what I’ve got behind me. I do wonder if some day I might be so fed up with something and hurt someone without thinking, and I would have to say I’ve done it in the past… who hasn’t at least tried? I’m not proud of that at all, but for some reason I also don’t feel guilty; another reason I avoid the wrong way. Simply put- its gross

    I guess sometimes all it takes is a little change of scenery to get my head back on straight. 1 or 2 or 8 nights away from home and life, whatever it takes to find a change of pace which I can use to sort out my mind and get back to thinking the way I REALLY feel. NOT the way I process everything in and around me when I’m some glazed over version of myself… when I’m so overwhelmed and jumbled up in my own mind… when I can’t even form one complete thought without confusing myself or second guessing myself half way through… when I start going against my own word for no reason EVEN THOUGH I truly want to do otherwise…even though it DISGUSTS me that I fall short of my own standards for myself when I know I am capable of doing better, of being stronger, of letting myself climb higher… I’m not talking about any super high expectations to be the best at something or everything over anyone or everyone.I AM talking about the standards I’ve learned to set which are actually attainable- the ones which I WILL reach, and then can up the ante and grow more and more until I’ve reached the BEST possible version of myself that I can and want to be…

    The person whom, as I’ve grown, seems to be headed towards more than I would have imagined a year and a half ago and long before that. I’ve got to really commit to myself before I will let myself commit to someone else. I need to be completely secure on my own two feet so that I don’t fall into another hole. I need to be balanced, sure of things, confident, ready to take even the strongest bull by the horns from the first minute it appears. I want to be on my way to my biggest aspirations, having the ability to take every day for what it’s worth and make the best of everything.

    There’s a huge difference between the truly happy, successful person and the one who strives and struggles to have that genuine smile when each day begins. The line is drawn with the ability to appreciate what one already has in their life, no matter how evident that grandness is to the eyes of others, rather than focusing on getting what one does not yet have. Not having the feeling of constantly reaching for what is thought to be impressive in order to show others how much one CAN have despite the amount of accomplishments that have already been achieved and go unrecognized by the self, even if they are seen by others. In the end that person is really only trying to see how much they can show for themselves by mistaking one sort of appreciation and admiration for a completely different and unwanted one. That simple step over the line is possible though, as long as there is a willingness to put in a consistent effort until it happens.
    .
    Anyway…

    These few days have done wonders for me – such a simple solution that I had forgotten about. I’ve once again got that drive to prove myself and turn my dreams into goals, the little ones and the big ones. I want to do these things NOT to prove myself to the world or to my family or to someone I’m looking to catch, or to show the poison that I grew up around and once felt so weak against that they were wrong about me, not to anyone other than MYSELF. My biggest downfall, my biggest flaw, my biggest challenge, my biggest lesson still unlearned is just the same as so many of those people in the world around me. I’m fully aware that I’m not alone in this, I’m not the only one, which is why I know that it can end horrifically OR terrifically- My sense of self is so easily lost when the days are monotonous and the nights are predictable… when the weeks go by and my pattern of action, or lack there of, is so embedded into each day that without even realizing it I suddenly notice that I’ve forgotten to pay attention to what day of the week it is and how little I’ve accomplished over the time I’ve missed… I disappear when those weeks turn into months, and the next thing I know I have wasted a lot of precious time that I won’t ever get back. That doesn’t mean I can’t take what time is coming to me and try to learn from these experiences when they come around again, but its tough. Some might disagree, saying that big steps need to be made and we must constantly move forward full force and not let anything effect us, but really… as long as I keep taking steps, no matter how big or small, I’m growing; each time I get lost in my life, I’ve come to realize a little bit more of what causes this to happen and why it goes so easily unnoticed by myself. I no longer fear losing myself again because I’ve been through it enough times to realize all I have to do is remember those steps I’ve already stumbled upon an to remove myself from that dark place and learn which new steps are waiting at the end of that path. I’m able to see my footprints in the mud and can find my way out.

    So, here’s to a clear head, a will power that will NEVER be defeated, and the people who have helped me along the way to see how strong I am, what I have to offer, and what I’ve got to appreciate.

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