• What was I thinking?

    by  • February 8, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Grief • 0 Comments


    We have to think about this reasonably. There is a middle ground here. You didn’t mention it, but I know you know and I know that it is there. It still is right? You know what I’m talking about. If it wasn’t there then I would say let’s do it, because we could be amazing together…especially with everything that we have stood the test of time with. But honestly, what are we doing? How could I forget to love other people? How could you forget that there is more than just me in the picture here on your end.

    It’s painful just sitting here looking at my dreams going down the drain, but really? Like any other woman she dreams of her knight in shining armour riding in on a horse, or mountain bike in your case and sweeping her away. But this is not knightly. This is robbery. It’s reality has hit me hard.

    We can’t. As much as I want to how could we forget that there is a middle ground… unless there is something that you didn’t mention that happened during December when we weren’t friends anymore on fb…did something happen with the middle? It seems like the only thing that I could think of for you to pursue further.

    I need to hear from you where you are at… because I just can’t hurt somebody else like that. I can’t. It’s against everything that I am. Were you just going to forget all that when you stated how you felt?

    Did you remember? Did I forget? I did forget. There would be huge consequences for our actions. It would hurt more than those closest to us… it would hurt another person. This is just not rational. Now that I think I know how you feel it’s just that much worse knowing that we care about each other. This wasn’t supposed to happen. How did it happen?

    If I had just kept my mouth shut then we both wouldn’t be in so much pain, but at the same time maybe all of this is our way of closure on all of this knowing that we did the right thing by both walking away.

    If things were different, and I’m not talking about on my end because you know how that went and isn’t going anymore. What you failed to state is where you are. I need to know that first.

    I was thinking about the Bible verse this morning that talked about what love really is and I remember it saying that love is patient, love is kind, love hopes in all things, love is not selfish. Wouldn’t it be selfish to do something like this? To hurt someone else would just break me.

    I can’t. I just can’t. It breaks me. It really could have been. Unless things are different now and there is no middle. But all evidence after fb still states that it is there. If it’s different now then please don’t give up. But if there is still a middle then just walk away, because I can’t hurt anybody and it’s against everything that I have always believed in…

    I want to be honorable
    I want to be respectful
    I want to show you love
    The best way that I know how

    I’m sorry I said anything at all now. How could I forget? I screwed up big time. Once again I hurt those most closest to me. It’s inevitable.

    If things were different and there wasn’t more involved on your end then yes, I would say yes most definitely. But there isn’t just us. Yes, it was us in our world that was so big and so amazing. It really is but it can’t go on these feelings if there is someone else. It just can’t be. I love you too much and frankly I love other people too much.

    Now that I know… I am glad. It’s the closure that I need to walk away knowing that I did the right thing by not hurting someone else. I’m just sorry that I’m going to hurt you, because doing this isn’t me. The last 3 years I lost myself and I’m not proud of it. I’m learning to find myself again, and this… this is not what I want to be.

    I love you. I always will. But if there is a middle then the answer is no. I can’t. I guess I did find what I was looking for in myself… and it’s just what I needed to walk away. Our timing just wasn’t right. It’s the right thing to do. Unless things have changed, but I’m beginning to think that they haven’t at all. Be strong J. I must be strong too.



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