• N the BD. Where are you?

    by  • February 8, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Lost Love • 2 Comments

    you okay? are you safe? are you still living in the same apartment?

    you always said that if we break up, you were going to join the army. it has been about 6 months now without any contact, which is the longest we haven’t spoken in about 3 years.
    are you happy? do you hate me? do you want to talk to me? can you forgive me?

    i’m not mad at you. not anymore. i have come to realize that we just weren’t meant for each other, and i have come to terms with that. it’s like we were 1 degree off…but that 1 degree kept us from being 100%.

    I loved you with my whole heart, i want you to know that. i meant everything i ever said to you, even if it didn’t last. i lived in the moment with you, because i wasn’t sure if i could see a future with you. i know we talked about it, and i really wanted those dreams to come true. but i could never tell what you were going to do next…you were so unpredictable. i never felt like “i had you”. which i know you never understood when i told you. i felt like you were always holding back since the day we met. and eventually, i got tired of it. unfortunately, when you decided to give me the 100% i needed, i was 99% checked out.

    timing was never our thing.

    maybe if we lived in the same city things could have worked. but all of that driving back and forth, meeting in the middle, money on hotel rooms, hanging out in your car, hiding us from our friends and family…where was it really going?

    why were you so ashamed of me? why did you want to hide us from your friends? why did you let them influence you so much? i was so good to you. attractive. funny. smart. loved to party. loved to take care of you. loved your family. loved crazy adventures. you always said you could see a side of me that you wish everyone else could see, which is bull shit. EVERYONE sees that side of me…i think it was you who didnt.

    i know i was your first love, so i can only imagine what you’re going through right now. i haven’t reached out to you, but i don’t want to make things worse.

    the last time we spoke, you asked me to come see you so you could tell me something important..and i never came. it was because i started seeing someone else, and i didn’t want to betray him. i felt like seeing you would be going behind his back, and i couldn’t do that to him. funny thing is..when we were together, i saw a lot of boys behind your back and didnt feel guilty. i never knew if you were going to be there the next day or week, so i felt like i needed a backup..or 3. I didn’t sleep with them, or hook up with them..i just strung them along for that day when you didnt answer my phone call, failed to follow through on our plans, or broke up with me.

    i know i am to blame too. and that’s what i want to hear from you. i want you to email, call, or text me. tell me what you’re thinking. i care so much about you. i just need to know you’re okay.

    you have so much potential, which is why i fell in love with you. i know whatever you do, you will be great. but i want to know what that is. is that selfish?

    i can’t see you. that will be too hard, for a million and 1 reasons. as soon as i see you, i will turn to putty. you have always had that power of me, and im terrified it’s still there.

    you were like a drug to me..the kind i loved but never had enough of. but i detoxed these past few months, and i can’t go back. but i need to know you’re okay. that facebook picture really scared me..and i need to know you’re okay. you know how to reach me, so please do.

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    2 Responses to N the BD. Where are you?

    1. CK
      February 9, 2012 at 1:54 pm

      This is beautifully written. All of your feelings are so tangible. I hope you find him and work things out. And I think you need to begin to forgive yourself. Good luck.


    2. Anonymous
      February 15, 2012 at 8:09 am

      I can relate to this so well. my first love left me 6 months ago and there has been no contact between us since 6 months ago. There has not been a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought or dreamt about him. The dreams are reocurring scenarios that constantly replay in my mind. We dated for 6 years and it is frightening that after all of that time I was just forgotten by somebody I will never forget. I often wonder what is he thinking? is he thinking about me?



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