• hey

    by  • February 8, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    it’s me. i tried getting a hold of you tonight, because… well, maybe this is too late, but it’s worth the chance… i am sorry. i am sorry i didn’t join you when you hinted i should; you said i would be perfect. you were right. life isn’t fair, especially for dreamers and lovers, but it’s hard for a reason. i still have my fighting heart, and not just for you and my family anymore. i see the truth about what people have been saying, that i was holding myself back from reaching my potential. i thought the point of “let the only thing you regret be the thing you never did” was to try everything, right and wrong with no consideration for the cost, but i was missing the point entirely. sometimes late isn’t better than never, but sometimes late is the only option.

    i am so proud of you, for being right and kind when i was wrong for so long. you stayed silent while i destroyed our dreams, blindly when i could have switched a light on for us if i had just valued what we held so fast to–belief. i didn’t just lose myself… i lost you and our future. we could have had heaven, but i put you through hell. you never gave up, though you should have and everyone else would have. you are so brave, and i was so cowardly.

    now i have to do what i promised you i couldn’t do. this is my way of saying goodbye forever, but we’re not there yet. i want you to know how far i’ve come, personally, but you don’t owe it to me to read a single word of this letter and i don’t expect you to do it if this hurts you.

    at the same time we broke apart, my mother left my father. she walked out of the door, leaving my brother and father and me without a penny. we relied on each other and canned goods to get through close to two months of poverty. i knew i couldn’t abandon my family, and i knew it meant i had to choose between them and us. i made my choice… it was neither wrong nor right… it just was…

    i’ve repaired the ties of my family over the past year. it’s only over the past two months that i started repairing myself. two months sober, as of today, though i didn’t realize it until it was brought to my attention. see, i’m close to achieving a goal i set… i’m about two weeks away from having a career and i haven’t focused on anything else.

    every night i miss you. every second i love you, just like i always have. i don’t deserve you, because of my past mistakes. there’s no doubt about that, and i don’t say that for pity. it’s just the truth, and it hurts. i don’t deserve to hurt anymore and i can’t continue holding onto the past, knowing it may hurt you now and in the future if i keep reminding you i’m here. none of this is your fault and it never could be yours to shoulder.

    i need to let go, completely. i want you to know that i’m not staying here once i’m certified for my new career. i’m moving to san diego, not because of dreams–the days of those coming true are gone–but because i made a decision. i’m learning to follow through and i’m learning to do it for myself, without bringing anyone else into the process. that way i can’t hurt anyone and i can’t let anyone down, the way i let you down.

    i own my past and cherish my present and am embracing whatever future is waiting for me. it’s a different kind of joy than what i know was waiting for us, but life is full of choices and paths. you have a beautiful life ahead of you, just as i do. i’ll never love you less than that first summer day, and i cannot love any other man more than i loved you since that day. you are a dream come true, but even happily ever afters end eventually. i’m sure i’ll meet a man who loves me as much as possible, and i won’t hold back from returning the affection.

    you’re my hero and you’re the epitome of everything a man should be. this is goodbye, in the hopes that somehow God turns it into another hello for us, but with the understanding that letting go necessary for us both. you’ve already moved on, but you kept silent rather than say goodbye, and i appreciate that. it would have killed me to have heard that from you, honestly. you’re the reason i never gave up on living and believing in the good in the world. you’re the one person i’ve met who never let me down. it’s okay you never said you love me, because it’s okay if you never did. you cared, and voiced that to me, which is more than i ever let anyone else do for me. you are worth every smile and tear and ache and memory. now i need to let myself grow and mature and make the right decisions so that i can be worth the same for someone else, someday. i’m getting there, and i’m glad. i love you and you know why. that’s the one promise i can’t help but keep to you, always. i hope you don’t mind too much… take care, sweetheart.

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