I’ve just sent off a grand total of–let’s see–looks like a string of thirteen texts to you, but I still can’t sleep. Why is that?
I’ve apologised countless times, even (especially) after I saw how willing you were to forgive me for breaking your heart. I can’t help feeling that your beatific attitude toward me is a ploy to make me feel even worse about leaving you, but in my heart I know that’s not true. You truly are just that good of a person.
I know I’m completely terrible at cutting things off between us, even though I promised I’d try to make this as easy as possible… But sometimes, I can’t even remember exactly why I made us fall apart. I know there’s something about different life goals, your utter lack of desire for a family, the three-hour drive between us (I’m all about instant gratification), as well as my general lack of willingness to commit at our age.
But I can never keep all of those things in my head. Instead, I remember:
– The look in your eyes the first time you kissed me, like you were still wondering if you were good enough.
– Taking things so, so slowly that I was afraid you’d leave me if I didn’t sleep with you…and your refusal to leave, and how it sparked off that desire to have you as close to me as you could get, so close you were inside of me.
– The first time you pinned me down, and that old feeling of panic returning, and how you cried when I let it show. God, if I could only take back one thing, it would be that moment–reminding you that I’m damaged, I can’t be trusted to have a healthy sexual relationship–reminding you of the boy who destroyed me, and the fact that you couldn’t erase that.
– And finally: watching you drive away for the last time, worrying the whole while that you’d do something crazy, and that I’d hear on the news the next morning: “Matthew S——, 20-year-old man, dead in car crash. Cause of crash yet to be determined.”
Matthew, I still love you. But I think I’ve done the right thing for both of us; I think I’m saving us both some heartbreak down the road.
I miss you so goddam much.