• Ashamed.

    by  • February 8, 2012 • Abuse, Sex • 6 Comments

    I’m a victim of rape. And I’m ashamed.

    I’m afraid no one will ever want to be with me again. I’m afraid that I will never be able to let anyone get close to me again. I don’t want to go on dates because I don’t know what will happen afterwards. I can’t believe that anyone would like me for anything more than sex.

    I’ve never felt more worthless. I’ve never felt more disrespected. I was just a body. I didn’t matter. And I still feel that way. No one looks at me and wants to know what I want to be, who I am, or what I like. No one wants to know what I’m thinking, what I’m really feeling under that smile. I don’t feel sorry for myself, it’s just what I believe.

    Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone over there. Maybe I shouldn’t have drank. I just wanted to hang out, but apparently anytime a girl and a guy are alone together, they are supposed to have sex.

    I remember him kissing me. I kissed back. It was bad and aggressive. My lips were bruised for a week. There was nothing worse than my lips hurting after that and having to remember it. After that, I remember being naked on his bed. I remember him saying he was going to get the condom, and I remember rolling over and squeezing my thighs together hoping he never came back. The next thing I remember is him moaning and laying on top of me. I grabbed my clothes and ran.

    I couldn’t breathe. I called so many people. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t breathe. I was so angry that no one answered, but it was 3 am after all. I couldn’t be mad at them. It was my problem, my fault. I crawled into my roommate’s bed and just cried. I never told her what happened.

    It was my first time, and I’m afraid I’ll never have the chance to feel what it is supposed to feel like. I’m afraid I’ll never be safe in someone’s arms. I’m afraid I’ll never know what it’s like to not be scared, to not fear when someone will hurt me.

    I’m tired of hiding it. I feel like I’m lying to myself by acting like everything is okay all of the time. I wish I could just let it out. I wish I could just cry. I wish I could tell my parents, but I’m afraid they’ll worry and I don’t want to upset them. I’m such a disappointment. I’m afraid people won’t believe me. I’m afraid people will tell me it was my fault, that I was passed out so its not a big deal.

    IT BOTHERS ME EVERY FUCKING DAY. IT’S A BIG DEAL.

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    6 Responses to Ashamed.

    1. anon
      February 8, 2012 at 11:54 pm

      You should talk with someone about this. Sharing will help you through it. I know this because I went through the same thing last year. I was actually drugged and raped at a birthday party for one of my closest friends. I only remember getting to his apartment. Then, I blacked out for 8 hours straight after taking a shot. Sometimes I am thankful for not remembering… I only remember the pain and me not fighting him. It was my first time, you see. I woke up naked next to him, got dressed and went to my dorm. There I discovered that my body was covered in bruises. I was in pain for the next week. However, the psychological wounds are still there. I do not know what happened that night. I hope he is the only guy. I will never know. We have not spoken since then and it has been close to a year already.

      Above all, I regret not sharing this with my parents right away. All of my girlfriends acted as if I deserved it because I used to have a crush on the guy and we had hooked up before (just never had sex because I did not see him as someone special to be my first.) So, that and the fact that I do not remember fighting him made me think that I had it coming. Not so. Oh dear god, no one deserves this.

      Your friends might not understand… ever. It is sad, but most of mine don’t, only one, who listens to me. Maybe because when I bring it up, I never show how it truly affected me. You know, always act strong. BUT, Share with those who can relate. Talk to your mother. Seek justice. Resolve it and be at peace with yourself.

      Relationships are tough after something like this. Thankfully, when that happened I was talking to a wonderful boy whom I always imagined would be my first. Without him knowing it, he made me feel respected and appreciated after going through something as horrible as that. I shared this story with him when we officially got together MONTHS after the rape (he asked me about those mysterious bruises he remembered.) I never said the word rape. I never told him it was my first time, because I was still ashamed of it and I was in denial. I was afraid he would not want to be with me. I was wrong. We had a great relationship.

      Remember that you are a wonderful person and anyone who does not want to be with you over something like this is an idiot. It is tough to trust men again and he has to be patient with you. It is a slow process but the right guy would understand. And remember to be patient with yourself. Throughout my relationship I was afraid he was using me for sex. Like you said, I did not want to be just a body again…. although he did NOTHING to make me feel that way. It was so irrational but I could not help it.

      Nonetheless, I constantly doubted my relationship with him and put an end to it because I had to figure myself out first.

      This is becoming very long but what I am trying to get to here is that you should work on yourself right now. It is a terrible thing to go through but I believe that it will only make us stronger women. Please please please do not feel like this is your fault. Ever.

      Also, I do not know how this works on LINS but I am here if you want to talk to someone who is living with this as well.

      Best wishes,

      anon




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    2. sophie
      February 9, 2012 at 4:06 am

      I know it doesn’t mean a lot coming from over the internet, and since you don’t know me. However I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m sorry that anyone would ever do that to someone. It will never be your fault in any way, no matter what people say. Though its hard to believe it is the truth, no matter how the story is twisted it will never be your fault. I hope you feel better soon, and I know it’s hard to believe you ever will feel better, or have the courage to talk openly about it to someone, or be with someone again… but the day will come. Just thought you should know that people are here for you, whether or not you know it.




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    3. Liona
      February 9, 2012 at 7:12 am

      I read your letter and I am so sorry this happened to you. You are right, it is a big deal. But I want you to know it was NOT YOUR FAULT. Rape is never the victim’s fault. Ever. There’s nothing you did to deserve it. I hope that in time you have someone in your life that you’ll be able to discuss this with. But I just wanted you to know that you didn’t ask for it, you didn’t deserve it, and this was in no way your fault. One day you’ll be able to look at this with anger, but not at all guys- just him. One day you’ll be able to be close to a guy again without fear. I promise.




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    4. rachel
      February 9, 2012 at 10:20 am

      hunny.. your not alone.. the same thing happened to me.. i know its rough.. im only 15.. i wont lie its gonna be so hard… but eventually.. EVENTUALLY it will get better. youll be able to be happy. be with someone who loves you. but dont turn down everyone because of fear. you at least have to ty. please.. stay strong




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    5. daniel
      February 9, 2012 at 7:16 pm

      Well… reading the description sounds like she had time to get up, put her pants on and leave, saying no the whole way. Sounds like she gave him all the signals and never once attempted to say no.

      Sorry. I have a friend who was raped and I’m not talking “oh my god I got so drunk what have I done?” rape but knife to the throat raped.

      Seriously, this is morning-after guilts.




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    6. February 21, 2012 at 6:53 pm

      You’re right, it IS a big deal. And trying to act like it isn’t is only going to drive you even crazier.

      I agree that talking to someone might help. There are a lot of free resources and phone lines available to victims of rape. Rape Crisis Centers are always a good place to start and talk confidentially. You are not alone. You are NEVER alone. And never, EVER could rape be your fault. If someone tells you otherwise, they don’t understand the situation and aren’t helping it at all. Support is one of the greatest tools a victim can use on her way to recovery… surround yourself with people who support you. YOU are the victim here. It is no one’s fault but the person who raped you.

      If it makes you feel any better… in many states, drinking/ being drunk is automatic sexual assault or rape, since drinking makes the person incapable of giving consent. But drunk, sober, high, making out with, whatever… none of that gives ANYBODY the right to touch your body without consent, or go farther than you consent.

      You might have to pokerface now, but eventually you’ll be able to take the mask off. Don’t worry… you will survive. You already have survived the worst… now, just take care of yourself =)




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