I have stumbled upon some doubts.
It’s been a long time since we met. I fell fast, and I fell hard. But you, you were always different. You took your time, tested the waters, and kept your options open. Oh, the many, many options you decided to keep open(and that you continue to keep open). I was always faithful, not only did I love you, but I thought you deserved it. I never imagined that I was in fact the one that actually deserved it.
I do believe that you love me and care for me, or rather, you believe that you love me. However, sometimes I think that the only reason you love me is because I am stable. I am stable, dependable, reliable, honest, caring. You are unreliable, schismatic, hurtful. I am good for you, and you are not good for me. Nevertheless, I love you. Or rather, I believe that I love you. I would never want to hurt you, even though I have on occasion. So I put up with certain characteristics or incidents that I never would have before. Because I don’t want to hurt you.
Lately I have been lying in bed next to you, wondering where I would be without you. Whether I would be happy, or more successful, or if I would have someone else… someone better. I think the answer is “yes” to all of these questions. And I feel terrible and guilty, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking these things. I want someone who will treat me properly, not like a possession. I’m only 20, I can’t be with someone who doesn’t actually appreciate me and who actually wants to be with me.
But for some reason…I can never seem to tell you. I feel like I’m just making a huge mistake.