How do I write this? Everything that I’m feeling… the confusion…feeling torn between what I know is right and what I so desperately need. No. I’m not talking about us but in general about searching for love. There have been times I’ve wondered if my actions were due to a figure of my imagination, and then other times it seemed so real. I wanted to let you know I’m done with all that wishful dreaming, that in reality they never really loved me anyway.
What person would search for love in all the wrong places. Probably me. I don’t know what to do anymore. You always seem to know exactly what to say and what to do. I know you have your struggles too, but there are times that I am so envious of you and how successful you have become. Other times I just love how social you are and the way you just carry yourself with ease and grace. You know how to find the right places and the right people.
Always we seem to meet up and whether it’s spoken or unspoken I’ve always been drawn to you like I am with honey and cheese. There is an emotional bond that has always been there that I’ve never ever felt with anyone for as long as I can remember. It’s like you get me. Even if you were to glance at me from across the room, which you have I feel special and cared for and that you would never leave. Maybe that is what drew me to you in the first place. Maybe it was the fact that you were so brilliant and so accomplished and I really loved having someone there who was more experienced in life, thoughtful, and wise. Just a few of the many things that I have always admired about you.
No. I haven’t always looked at you in this way where my heart beats every time that I hear your name mentioned. Yes. I have looked at you as a very good friend. But try as I might with sanity, with reasoning, with reality, I just can’t shake you….this that I’ve been trying to get over recently.
Writing this is not a closure or a goodbye. It’s simply trying to figure things out in my mind. There is so much inside of me to want to be loved the best way, finally. There is so much inside of me that wants to be understood and not judged. You proved that by still remaining my friend, even after I shared some things with you. You were the first to know. There were times on fb I wasn’t quite sure if I should still be friends with you, because I honestly was beginning to see that you meant so much to me… more than I had even imagined possible.
I needed someone to be there for me. You proved it. Not just once, but over the years if I ever needed someone to talk to you just happened to be there. Just when I thought it would be our last goodbye you end up showing up again… and again.
No. It’s so much more than “I need you” as a friend. I’ve tried pushing it away. I’ve tried reasoning through. I’m still trying to fight all of this. In the middle of that I’m trying to move on and move forward, but every night it’s your face in my dreams that haunts me.
I don’t just miss talking to you. I actually crave you. I long for your touch. I long for there to be more. I long to actually be yours and to stop all of this endless searching, pain, tears, and horrible past and start anew.
It’s awful how it’s just horrible timing. Everything is horrible. On top of that I don’t know what you are thinking. I may never know. I have a feeling I will see you again in the future, but who really knows. We always end up meeting up somehow. We always have.
A part of me is scared that if you did know how I felt, that you would run or you would hide and I would lose your friendship forever. A part of me thinks you are mad at me, because of the whole fb thing. Another part of me says that you would shake your hand at me and say shame on you, but in other ways I could never see you doing that. I guess it’s the fear that is holding me… and so many unknowns.
Desperation took me too far. I’m hurting still. As you know I searched for love, but when I thought I had found it I was severely broken. I wish we could talk. But I know that under the circumstances just being there from afar is the best thing. Isn’t it?
I don’t know if there was ever a chance. It seemed like in the beginning when we first met, but was I just imagining things? I don’t know… I wish I did.
Maybe you would say move forward without me. That’s what I’m scared of but at the same time maybe it’s just what I need to hear. Although it’s not what I want to hear. Yet, at the same time the horrible timing thing weighs me down. If you were to ever read this you would know what I’m talking about. But you probably never will. But then again there is a part of me that really does wish that you would find it on here and know it was from me. Then you could say whatever it is that I needed to hear from just you.
I’m still fighting. I’m still fighting and trying to forget all of this. I’m still trying to move forward, thus the reason for confusion and pain. But I can no longer run. I’m running out of strength and for some odd reason I want to face it now and deal with it.
It hasn’t stopped. It just gets worse. Nothing worse than feeling lonely and knowing you have to go it alone when you’d rather have your other half by your side. The truth is I love you. I care about you. I want what’s best for you. Even if you only want me as a friend, I’ll be there. Whenever you need me.
Nobody will understand. I’m afraid that if you read this you would shake your head and walk away. Another part of me says there would be more to say on both of our parts. I’m sorry for everything. I’m beginning to understand myself and what I see I’m so ashamed and perhaps in my desperation to be loved it’s what caused all this pain for all these years, and maybe for you too.
Truth is I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places. I’m sure you would point to a higher source by now. I love that about you.
There is a part of me that wonders if you’ve been waiting for me this whole time. Perhaps that is a silly thought? I just know one thing now. I can’t fight you anymore. I need you. I love you.