• How Much Longer?

    by  • February 7, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 2 Comments

    Dear love of my life,

    I have made a big mistake. The last three years, I have almost entirely based my life off of you like I said I would never ever do. The sacrifices have been so settle that I haven’t even noticed. All through high school we have both made decisions that revolved around each other. Then you went to college. It’s like everyone says, college really does change you. I definitely got that. Unfortunately, college killed your dreams. What happened to leaving our small town and starting somewhere completely new? Why the hell did you give that up? Well being a fool, when it was my time to head to college…I stayed true to our plan. I got the hell out of our town and haven’t wanted to move back. That was until I got the hint… you never want to leave. Being so naive convinced me that you really were set on leaving all that behind. Now that you’ve stayed so long though, you’re tied too tight to it. You will never leave.

    Once I understood you will never part with our hometown, I started thinking about how much our life plans have changed. You want to get a house with your best friend back home and possibly have me move in once there is room. I am signing a lease in a few weeks with some friends of mine here 5 hours away from home. When I invited you to escape, you put up one hell of a fight. I offered you freedom from that shitty town and all the people who hold you back…Then I realized something else. . . You want to be held back. You almost have to stay. You have your band and there’s no way you can get together with them as much as you do from five hours away. They would replace you in an instant. You have commitments. I get it.

    I’m just jealous that I’m not one of them. You tell me that if you were to live down here, we have to live on our own without my friends. I asked why and you said you never wanted to live with people. . . What the hell is the difference between living with your best friend and living with my best friend? Do you not count your best friend as a person… I should do. Why can’t we be with my friends? Why is it you won’t just escape with me?

    When I go home this weekend to see everyone, we have to have this talk. This talk about where we are going and what we want. I want to be with you. Where we are headed is in completely different directions. So now, what’s the point in being together if we will never end up together? Should I keep sacrificing the life I want to be like the other girls from home? Pregnant? Working at a small store or even worse… The factories?
    Is that where you’re going to end up if you stay there and I never come back? The factories? Damn, you’re so talented with a genius’s intelligence. Why can’t you use it!? Where’s your will to live a life worth while!?

    I can’t imagine not being with you. We’ve been together since we were sixteen. I’m so scared what will happen to you with we’re not together. I’m even scared what will happen to me. Will I go back to how I was before you? So depressed I can barely smile partying until I passed out? Not thinking about anything but negative? Not caring what happened because I was so ready to just give up? In fact, I did give up. Then you held out your hand and I had nothing else to lose. You saved me. I know I saved you too. So now what?

    How could we just go our separate ways when we have been together so long and love each other so much? Are we still in love? I’m not sure anymore. You aren’t who you used to be. You changed beyond repair last year. You treated me like shit at times. All because things were going down hill with our families and friends. Now you say “Life happened” I have no idea what you mean. I have been through enough in life to know its not life’s fault things go wrong. Life is beautiful. It’s people’s choices that happened.

    I’m going to give you a choice and I’m not too sure I even want you to take it anymore. How can I ask you to sacrifice so much? I’m going to ask you to jump. . . Jump into a new life. I’m going to ask you to run. . . Run away with me. . . To a new beginning. If you want to take my hand. . . just take it if you want it.

    If not, . . . I’ll take another jump. . . a jump into my new life. . . Farther from what ties me to home. . . I love you so much. I literally can’t even describe what I feel for you. . .

    But. . . If you don’t want me, I can’t change that. If you don’t want my life. . . I can’t change that.

    I’m so scared to find out what you really want. I’m terrified. Please just put me down easy and know you will always have my love… not matter how many miles away we are. I’m yours.

    2 Responses to How Much Longer?

    1. just wondering
      February 8, 2012 at 7:42 am

      how would one answer when not sure what the question is exactly?
      oh well. i’m sure whoever it’s too would have had numerous conversations about things of such importance because as important shit goes, this sounds like IT

    2. good question
      February 8, 2012 at 5:03 pm

      I had hoped to have lots of talks with someone. Our situations complicated and i was sure somehow it’d be made better, if only we could talk. I’ll never forget what he said in the very beginning, said if we talked we’d grow closer and that shouldn’t happen.

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