God it’s hard letting go of someone you want but when you realise that a future with them is completely out of your reach it makes it easier. When you realise you constructed it all to fit some ideal that you wanted and that maybe you invented looks and moments and feelings and projected them on to him, you will chastise yourself and wonder how you can have been such a fool. When you realise that it is and always has been one sided it makes it sadder as your pride hurts too. When you think you know that it could have been something amazing it sickens you.
And you’ll cry, God yes you will cry. You’re eyes will be puffy and red and tired and you will feel unworthy and alone and you’ll wonder how someone who could so easily make everything better won’t do so. You’ll wonder why they won’t just take your hand or give you a hug. Or just look at you. I mean really look at you. Just so that they can see what they have done. So that they will have some sense of guilt or sadness that they have temporarily broken another human being. And have them know that they have taken more then they gave. It doesn’t make them a bad person. It might make us resent them but thats our responsibility. We can change that. Because if you loved him you can’t blame them for not loving you back. That was their choice and its something you must respect and acknowledge it. And lets be honest, he never promised you forever did he? He never promised anything? He is a victim too; of your mood swings and your irrationality and your deep silences and your sloppy cooking. The hardest thing is seeing him everyday and getting your hopes up. Waiting for some sign or some glimmer of hope or a fleeting touch. But you have to stop you have to let him not feel guilty that you wanted something. Thats not fair and you’ve done it too. Karma. You’ve done it too. You’ve hurt someone else simply by not feeling the way they hoped you would. You’ve felt flattered by knowing someone wanted you and you’ve led them on ‘innocently’. Its not so innocent when you’re on the other end. Its not so charming and forgettable when you’re the one pining. You have to let go. It might take days or weeks and months. And even if its years before he finds someone else; you will still imagine them in his arms, them in his bed, then in your place. And it will hurt and your heart will ache and the pit in your stomach will reopen and you will want it to swallow you whole. But slowly you’ll think of him less. Your smile will come more naturally, the giggles will return. You’ll start to notice things again. You’ll emerge from the fog and the hearbreak and the air will get easier to breathe and you’ll start to feel…ok.