I’m not totally sure how to put this, but there’s gotta be something here–am I right? I think you see what I see. I think you feel what I feel. I think you’re as confused as I am. It’s nothing like I’ve felt with anyone or thing before this. It’s calm, relaxed, simple, not scary (well…maybe a little, but not how you may think). It’s not a whirlwind of love and passion, it’s home. You’re like home to me.
You’re the one that I think of when I’m lost, upset, scared, frustrated. You’re the one I hope will text or call just because so I could at least know that you were around and thinking of me, even if it’s just to ask what I’m doing for dinner. You’re safety and lightheartedness and joy. You’re everything I’m not and it’s exactly what I want. You’re my best friend. You’re kind, funny, sweet, committed, loving, passionate, caring, crazy, and truly one of the best people who has ever walked this planet.
When I’m insecure or freaked out, I practically crave the smell of your cologne on your jacket that’s still cold from the crisp winter air. That’s where I feel safest–in your arms, with you, even just in your presence. You’ve spent so much time pushing me and anyone with a pulse away, but I always fought for you. Not because I wanted something from it, but because something about you told me to stick around just so I could have the opportunity to see what you’d do next. And I’m amazed everyday by your strength and kindness–you always find a way to make me admire you.
Here’s the problem in all of this: we haven’t spoken of it. Not at all. And I constantly feel alone in this only because we refuse to actually discuss it. And I want so desperately to not be wrong–I don’t want to lose you in any way at all. And there she is, in her near perfection with occasional human flaw that frustrates you exactly like I used to, but I’m the friend you find telling you to calm down now–to look at the whole picture, not the part. And now I’m the one you’re disclosing your deepest feelings and secrets to. I’m the one you seek out for advice or when you need to vent. And that’s huge to me–one of the biggest honors I could ever hold.
Where the fuck does this put us, babe? Where does this put me? I mean, I’m not lost on this to the point that I’ve got no other options. And I would rather have you in my life as my best friend than in my life as my lover (or whatever you’d call it) if having you as more means that I would lose you. I’m happy with what you’re happy with–and definitely not in the begrudging sense. I just need some sort of definitive answer through action or word. Something to, at the very least, tell me if I’m crazy or if I’m on the same track as you. And I’ll be honest, I think you’re at the very same place. But maybe not. And that’s what scares me the most…that I’ll end up scaring you away. However, some food for thought: isn’t this what it’s about–trust, friendship, honesty, comfort, fun, and balanced give and take?
What do want from me? What can I do for you? How do we fix this limbo? Give me some answers, one way or another…please. (I just ask you to please not make a fool of me.