• You hurt me…big time

    by  • February 6, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 1 Comment

    I wish you could care about me the way i do, I really do. Do you have any idea what I would do for you? Anything. Chances are if you asked me to jump I’d ask how high. I can’t keep feeling like this though, it hurts. Thinking about you hurts because over the last month or two I have come to the realization you will never feel the same- you just don’t. I can’t blame you, I’m sure you have plenty of reasons why….but I still miss you- not by choice believe me. I want to be over you, I really do. I have wanted to be for so long now and it’s just killing me. I don’t want to think about you before I fall asleep, I don’t want to remember the talks we used to have, I don’t want any of it anymore. I want someone to just take it all away so maybe there would be a small chance I could forget you and move on. I’m sure you know what it is like to want to be with someone so badly but you mean so little to them or they don’t feel the same way. Can you imagine feeling that for years? It’s almost driven me mad, fuck it- it’s made me so depressed and feel so worthless……still does. I’m trying so hard not to be selfish about this whole thing. Who knows, you might have met someone else- that’d kill me a little more inside but if that’s the case I hope she appreciates you as much as I do and more.I hope she makes you happy, and supports your ideas and your goals- just like how I would if you would have just opened up to me more and maybe let me be a part of your world. But you didn’t, and I’m not a part of your life I guess. Maybe you want it that way? I don’t know what’s wrong with me…I know i have made some bad mistakes- ok, horrible ones. I know I can be clingy, self-centered, and just plain stupid sometimes. But when I would be around you, I wanted to be my best and I felt more at home than I ever did. This brings me back to the whole retarded, unfair, unobtainable love thing. I do, i really do love you. I love the sound of your voice, your laugh, I love hearing your thoughts on certain conflicts, I love how strong you are. You would think that since maybe I feel like this then I most likely regret my last visit to Maryland. I don’t, not at all. Sure, it’s made things all that more difficult to deal with and I’m still left with a lot of questions but I’m glad I got to be with you those few nights. For so long I wanted just one night to be with you and be happy and I got three. I felt like the the luckiest person in whole goddamn world. I think there’s a good chance I will always think about you one way or another. I’ve tried blocking you out, but I know now that it won’t work. I just hope time heals faster than it usually does and I won’t have to feel so lonely and broken anymore. I really want you to be happy, I really do. I’d just prefer it to be with me, but people in hell want ice water too…I know you’ll be amazing, and happy, and successful someday and I can’t wait to hear about it.
    Still your friend if you want me to be,
    anon

    One Response to You hurt me…big time

    1. K
      February 6, 2012 at 8:27 pm

      From someone who’s been exactly where you are:

      It does get easier, but you’re right, it never goes away. Just know that there’s a reason it didn’t work out that you will both only understand in time. Just be patient and hold your held high. <3

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