Last night, I caught myself thinking of you. Thinking about what it would be like to have you to text, call, lay with again. Thinking about how I missed your smile, your laugh, your quirky sense of humor. I caught myself thinking about how you would’ve made last night more fun; how you would’ve entertained me in a way no else could, made me laugh, made me enjoy the quiet. I was starting to miss your lips again, how you tasted, how you kissed. I was missing your hands, your arms, the way you held me and made me feel like I was the only person in the world that could fit in your arms so comfortably. I missed the feeling of your body on mine all over again–something I haven’t felt in a long while. I began missing how it felt to sleep next to you, to have you to wake up to every morning. I caught myself wishing I could just pick up the phone, send a text, and you show up at my door…exactly like you used to.
What am I supposed to do with myself when that happens? It’s been almost 2 years to the day since the last time we had a conversation, much longer since the last time we shared any love between us. Yet, I caught myself. I haven’t done that in a long time…at least 6 months, if not longer. And I still catch myself.
Maybe it’s because there’s no one else. Or maybe it’s because there *could* be someone else, but he’s just not fitting into my life the way I need someone to right now. Or maybe it’s because I might love someone else, but his eyes are fixed upon a younger, more beautiful version of himself, and I feel the strong urge to support his choice rather than be selfish and force him to see what’s directly in front of him. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s because I did, do, and always will love you. Or maybe I’m just scared–too scared of getting hurt like I did with you to even try anymore, hence my tendency toward the safe options (the guys at the bars who give me a condensed version of the attention I used to get from you, then walk out of my life taking nothing with them but the memory; the guys who have hurt me but made up for it; the guys who aren’t willing to give anything but adoration). Of course there’s room in my life to love someone else and to love them forever, but you’ll always have the very center of my heart. You’ll always own that space completely against my own will.
So, I guess that’s why I caught myself last night. And when I say “I caught myself,” I truly mean that I had that feeling, that urge, and my will power was like a safety net that kept me from trying. Because I will always know your damn number by heart and could always try, but I know better than to make a fool of myself. And I’m stronger than that now, stronger than I ever was with you. I destroyed myself just so I could be with you–that’s how fucked up we were. You know that. And that’s how I know that although I catch myself missing you, it just means that I miss having something, not that I miss having you.
And honestly, the main thing I miss about you is your hand/mouth combo. That’s really all you ever gave me. Thanks. And good luck with all of your future endeavors 🙂