I only recently found out that the love of your life perished in Iraq-that she was also a Marine, brave and fearless. After learning this, I must tell you it absolutely breaks my heart, to think of your pain. I cannot even fathom what that must have been like, what that must STILL be like. I know several years have passed but I cannot foresee a time when that pain would ever subside-so much left unsaid.
Long before I knew about your love, I was filled with such a compelling feeling to reach out to you, at all cost. I actually had a strange dream last summer, where I was told that you were in an emotional coma and that I must promise to wake you. I made that promise and since then have done my utmost best to keep it. After that summer eve, I have had several spooky occurrences, I don’t know if they are visions, but they totally freaked me out. On a certain day of the week, at a certain time, I become filled with such grief and sadness that it feels almost as if my soul is being ripped out. I have dreams; I receive guidance and advice on what I ought to do.
After noticing this, I did a bit of research and I found a possible reason for the ‘spookiness’. I can’t ever tell you any of this–it just sounds too crazy. And I am afraid it would hurt you more, and I don’t ever want to do that. You have certainly been through enough.
It’s been two weeks since I’ve seen you; two weeks since we have had any communication whatsoever. I sense you are a person who needs space and with the upcoming anniversary, I wonder if this is precipitating your distance. The distance is also making it impossible for me to keep my promise, which compounds the feelings I sense. So much so, in fact, that I have made an appointment this week with my priest to determine whether or not whatever is compelling me in your regard is pure and innocent. Ironically, the only time he is available for the next two weeks is on the day of the week and during the time when the event occurred.
Marine-I am so incredibly sorry she died; that you did not get to spend your life with her; build a family and a future. I have come to care so very much about you and I wish I could fix it for you, so you would come alive again and participate in this world.
I care about you (more than I should); I see so much potential for a wonderful, albeit different, future; I see such a goodness and gentleness in you-you are amazing! Regardless, I think that you are broken, irrevocably.
I harbor no ill-will or bad feelings for you: I think there is only so much pain we can take in this life. The threshold is different for all of us; but, when we reach that point I think a portion of us dies, even though our minds and bodies still live. That part that dies is the part that is capable of human connection with new people. I do not believe you are capable at this time of forging a lasting connection with another woman. And to be honest, I don’t think you ever will be capable of doing so again.
I need to be with someone who is capable of connecting, truly connecting with me. If I thought some day you would be capable, and that you were working towards being able to do so, then I would be more than willing to fight for you, fight for the possibility of an ‘us’. For the last 8 months or so, it seemed that you were working towards connection. Today-no.
I will wait to make my final determination until after my appointment this week-but I must tell you that since coming to this mostly concrete decision, I am only filled with my sadness, which leads me to believe that it is in your best interest that we permanently part ways. I am terribly sad about this, it seems like a waste of so much potential. I don’t want you to worry about me-I will be ok 🙂 I always am, no matter what. It’s time for me to go find someone who will love that much.
Take care of yourself, Marine. Every time you look out over that water and see the sunrise, you know, that point where the sun is just peeking over the horizon, ready to greet the new day–look at that and know that there is someone out there who cares about you, who is praying for you, and who desperately hopes one day you meet someone who will awaken you to the beauty left in this world.
Oh, and one more thing Marine-I never had the chance to tell you this as it would have totally freaked you out–I love you, I really do. I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want to, but I fell in love with you. You will always hold a special place in my heart.
Goodbye Marine, and God Bless! <3