I honestly don’t know any more. I thought today, how amazing it would be to erase our memories, to forget all the good and all the bad that has gone to pass. There was a piece inside of me that wished so hard for that to happen. I know its been months, but I am still reeling from being with M. Part of me still likes him, and most of me hates him for what he has did. It’s this constant turmoil inside of me that just takes over. I wish I could just forget everything past, since that brings out the worst, but then I would forget everything about you.
I really like you, I do, don’t get me wrong, and I don’t know what I would do without those fond memories we have together. What happened with M tore me apart, I’m trying to recover, but it’s hard, and it feels like he means more to me than you, but that’s because he did at one point. I’m broken, and I’m trying to fix myself, but it feels like I am unable to, that I will continue to be this broken piece of machinery.
I want you to be happy. You can say you are happy with me, but I don’t feel like you are. I feel like you are way too good for me. You deserve better, you deserve so much better than someone like myself, I may seem like the nice guy, but sometimes I catch myself thinking that maybe N is right, that I will end up hurting you, and that worries me because I would hate to do so, but there are so many factors and so many events that are out of our control that could ultimately cause this to happen.
Don’t get me wrong, I am glad to be with you, I smile every time I think of you and I like being with you. I would never want to give you up. But there is this feeling inside, this feeling that you are meant for someone better than myself, someone who isn’t broken like myself and will give you the life you deserve. Since M, I have lost faith in love, I find it hard to bring anyone else closer for fear of repetition.
I dislike myself extremely. No matter what anyone says, it doesn’t change that fact; which is sad. But I like you, I really do, and I wouldn’t give you up for (almost) anything else.