Archive for February 5th, 2012

I want everything in the world that I can’t have. Especially a person I only met one time and would do anything to spend more than a few minutes with. But I’m just another person who adores them.
I have to get up entirely too early for school tomorrow, and the thought of it alone pains me.
I’m tired. Not the kind of tired sleep can fix.
Everyone depends on me to fix their problems, hell… I depend on myself to fix their problems. I have no time left over to work on myself.
I had a mental breakdown last month… And no amount of my friends telling me how wonderful I am could help. My mind wasn’t even with me.
My mind is all I have to offer. I’m so scared of losing it again.
And I need to get my former out of my mind too. I cry too much, but four years can do that to you.
No one seems to think anything is as important as I think it is.
I can’t let anything go. I’m a sentimental mess.
Im horrible at school. People are the most important thing to me in every aspect, therefore my grades suffer.
I’m haunted by so many things.
Everyone expects me to be okay because I’m the fixer. The strong one. The confident one.
I’m glad I can successfully give off an illusion, at least.
And he who I wish to be with is the greatest treasure I’ve ever found. He’s in love with someone else. I wish he knew me on that level and wanted me with him until he dies.
But alas, Im just an empty failure in this moment. At least in my own opinion.
I wish I could tell him everything he has done for me. I hope we will be together one day… More than anything.
Here’s to the future. May it be much, much better than today.

You left last month. I hate it when you leave. I remember when we first met..4 years ago..I thought you were so country and a total turn off…..then I got to know you. We had everything in common. Everything. I couldn’t believe it…too good to be true. I think that’s when I started to fall for you. The more time we spent together the harder I fell. You helped me recover from a horrible “relationship” and ill never forget that day. What I tried to forget is the friend zone we were in….always waiting for you to make a move..I guess I should’ve said something..there was that one drunk kiss but that was just way to much alcohol and an awkward wake up the next morning. I always had to meet your stupid little “girlfriends” pretending like I was enjoying their company. I had become ‘the coolest girl ever’ in your eyes….but just a friend. Then you left for the first time. But you still kept in touch. Texting and calling me almost everyday….that didn’t make it any easier to get over you. Then you told me you were going to be a dad….to some little girl back home. Great. F-ing perfect. I accepted the friendship after that. Listening to you get so excited about your little girl. When I went to the hospital and saw you rocking her to sleep I started crying. Not sure really why but I did. We lost touch after the baby until you called me one day to meet up…little did I know you’d be telling me that the baby wasn’t yours. She’d been lying. My stomach fell to the floor…but in excitement. You left and came back so many times..id always get so excited when you’d call me two States away letting me know you’d be in soon. I didn’t mind the 45 minute drive to see you. Then one day while you were gone I met someone. He was sweet and kind and funny became my boyfriend eventually. Of course you come in the week after we start dating. It’d been a good 6 months since I had seen you. I met you at a bar mid day and caught up on life. You met the boyfriend later that night. So. Awkward. For me though. We’ve been together for 6 months now and I still think about you all the time. I think about how you make me laugh and how he doesn’t make me laugh like you do. How we have everything in common. I visited you a couple weeks ago…took that 45 minute drive out to the middle of nowhere. Laughing and joking the whole time. Also realzing that we had switched shoes. Me having a boyfriend and you being single…kinda hitting on me. After that night I realized I could never go out there alone again. It sucks so much because my boyfriend loves me and I love him…so much. Hes perfect and sweet and an all around good person. Its just shitty timing. Everyone always wondered why we weren’t together…I still wonder. A part of me is waiting for the day you tell me you love me and you’ve always loved me and you whisk me off to Europe. I’m not too sure what I would do if given the choice between you and him.