i have to be honest or i’ll take it to the grave. remember that summer day we were talking on the phone? i was surprised when you told me about your ex girlfriend and you could tell. you asked me: “What?! I can’t date other people?” I said: “No, of course not. Of course you can…” I lied, because I didn’t want you to know how much it killed me to hear you say that to me. I couldn’t understand how you could be so mad at me, and I couldn’t understand why you would hurt me like that, so I pushed my feelings down, deep, into a place where I knew they couldn’t hurt you. i cried when we got off the phone, and I cry every time the memory of that conversation surfaces. i’m tired of the energy it takes to dismiss those feelings. i just need you to know that I never wanted us to see other people. i needed us to be together and in the end that need for attachment turned into something ugly, destructive, obsessive, and insane. i need to let this go before it becomes something worse–apathy. i love you just like i did then and like i always will. that won’t go away, no matter how hard i try to push it from my heart. i can’t pretend it’s okay that you’re with any other woman. it isn’t. but i can learn to live with the truth, and even with the memories, as long as you can forgive me for not being this honest sooner.