Archive for February 4th, 2012

Hello,

I’ve been in love with you for the past year. I’ve loved you in general since they day we met when I was 15 years old. I remember what it felt like to see you for the first time. I was so excited. Your brown eyes and brown hair made me melt. We’ve dated on and off in the end we broke up because college came far too quickly and we were going to be in separate states. We stayed close friends, and I guess there was always a part of me that wanted to be with you, regardless of the distance between us. Last summer, I visited you for a weekend and feel in love all over again. I wanted to tell you but I was so afraid that you wouldn’t feel the same way, and i’d be crushed. Eventually, it kept eating at me and I had to do it. I had to tell you how I felt. So I did. I swallowed my fear and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I imagined it ending either amazingly, or horribly. For me it was life or death. But what happened was something I wasn’t prepared for. It was exactly in the middle. You told me you had feelings for me as well, but it just wasn’t practical for us to date. You don’t want to ruin the friendship. You don’t want to hurt me like you have before. You want to focus on school. You don’t have time for me. All of it just confused me. So for the past 6 months I’ve been thinking that it’s only going to be a matter of time before you decide that i’m worth the risk. It’s only a matter of time before you realize that if you let me slip by you’re going to regret it. You even said “I’ll probably regret this when i’m 80, but…” I was hoping that somehow, someway, you’d pick me. I should have known better. You’ve always been far too logical for romantic risks. Today you called me and informed me of your future plans. You’re going to move to another country after graduation and teach. As much as I’d like to say i’m happy for you and excited for you, today my heart broke. Because today all I heard was “I’m never going to date you, because i’m never going to be where you are, and it will always be too complicated” I crawled on the kitchen floor crying, sobbing, hitting, screaming. I felt such a panic in my heart. Everything I’ve ever dreamed about is gone. Everything I’ve ever wanted with you seems so much more unobtainable now. How can I pretend like we are going to be together, when you’re going away? Then I realized that the only way to get rid of this pain, the only way to mend this broken heart I have, is to just let go. I hate it. I wish I didn’t have to do this. This will be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life. I have to let you go in order to move on. I cannot keep hoping and wishing that you’re going to be with me in the end. I deserve someone who is going to love me as deeply as I love you. I’m going to tell you tomorrow. I’m going to say that we can no longer speak. Maybe not forever, but for however long it takes me me to stop loving you. I don’t know what else to do. This has to be done. I know it, and I think a part of you knows it too. so let me say this, If you really love me. You have to tell me now, because by tomorrow… it’s going to be too late.