Friends first, you started telling me you loved me from the first day we we “official”. I don’t know if it’s bugging you as much as it’s bugging me that I can’t bring myself to say it back yet.
I notice EVERY TIME you say you love me, because I feel the pressure to say it back and fail to do so every time. Not that you’re pressuring me, or even asking why I don’t say it back. It’s just noticeable to me.
I do love you, I think, to an extent. Like I said, we were friends first, and I already loved you in that sense for a couple of years before our feelings for each other became clear.
But here’s the thing: I’m scared. I’m scared because N says she thinks you’ll end up hurting me, and I’m scared because I find it hard to trust, and I’m scared because I want SO BADLY for you to be the one. I’m scared that I’ve talked myself into loving you because of how badly I want you to be the one who captures my whole heart forever. The one who proposes in the most original and personal way he can think of because he knows that’s what it’ll take to be sure I can’t say no. The one whose eyes I see looking out at me from the faces of my children.
And just writing this has made think that maybe talking myself into loving you is maybe the same thing as being sure that I love you. You probably won’t read this ever, but I think now I have the courage to tell you I love you. And this letter is the reason.