Why does it seem that everything I do is a mistake? That even when I try to show kindness it ends up being a blunder. That I’m actually being a doormat. When I say I love someone it seems that it is just infatuation. When I tell the truth in reality it is all lies. When I have dreams I am being unrealistic. Is there anything I can do right? Will I always be this mess? Wondering if I am only holding on by a thin thread to my sanity. I’m crying inside but the tears won’t come out. I put the pain deep inside of me. I laugh out loud, smile as much and possible, and try to act perky. But my body betrays me. The stress is causing me physical pain. They say it is better to let it out. But how? Writing this only helps so much. I want to scream but I don’t want to be heard. I fear that when others hear of what I feel and the problems I’m going through they will diminish it. Laugh it off. Tell me in reality I have no problems. Just like everything else in my life. I can’t decipher anything. I have it all wrong. I don’t understand anything. I’m not qualified for anything in life it seems.
Do you wish me dead? Do you know that living is more painful? You have no idea about my life. You only saw a snippet. Please don’t assume. Please let me live my life. I have heard all the critics.
Let me tell you that the biggest critic in my life I know very well.
It is ME.