I am so angry with you right now, and I can’t even say why. I actually know the truth. I am angry because I want more from you. I want what I said I would never want. I made my promise with myself, and those are the most difficult to break.
I love you. I want to wake up next to you every morning. I want to grow old with you. I want to make dinner with you and just share life with you. I don’t want someone on top of me. I want to live my own life, but at the end of the day, I want there to be someone… Someone that I love to come home to.
I know you are scared. I know I am acting like a psycho-bitch right now. I know that isn’t helping things. I just can’t stand being near you, I want you so bad. Is that the way you feel with me? Somehow I doubt it…
And that is the crux of my anger. I doubt that you love me, that I matter to you. And I am angry that you say you do. I am angry that after all the things you have done that have hurt me, I am still here.
I shouldn’t even be talking to you. Okay,I am going to go into it now. I HATE YOU!!! I hate you for what you did to me. I hate you for getting me pregnant (you knew that even though I was on the pill, that I am highly fertile), and not talking to me for months on end. I hate that I had to go through an abortion alone. I hate that I didn’t have you to talk to. All I asked for was one day. ONE DAY. I wanted you to come to the clinic with me and hold my hand… And you didn’t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where were you? where were you? Smoking my weed out on a dig somewhere? You think that just because you dig up old dead animals and pieces of another’s history that you are sooo cool and sooo sexy! Well you are sexy, but I digress. You are spending your life uncovering someone else’s. Don’t you get it? You aren’t living. You are too scared of making mistakes and fucking up… Well I have news for you- life isn’t safe, you are going to get hurt, fall down and have to pick yourself up again, you are going to make mistakes and you are going to fail. The only end to this uncertainity is death, and that is eternal for all we know. I am a doer, I sit on the sidelines only long enough to see what I want and decide to go get it. Maybe this is the fundamental difference between us. No it is more than that, I didn’t want to say it, hell I don’t even want to admit to myself, but I am a better person than you!!! I try to leave people, places and things better than I found them. It was the way I was raised, but more importantly, it is what I believe is right. Empathy and compassion may not be in your dictionary, but they sure are in mine!
I am trying so hard not to blow up your phone right now, but only because that will make me look even more like the psycho-bitch you think I am.
I can’t believe you are mad that I ‘slept’ with Jawn. I don’t know what he told you, but I didn’t. Even if I had, that would have been my right. We weren’t together at the time, remember? You hadn’t even shown up on my porch yet! Excuse me for wanting to sleep with your hot, triathlete ex-roommate. Who did you think I was going to turn to? We only live right next door to each other!!!
And I have news for you, while we are on these little ‘breaks’, I see other people, as in date them. While dating you I was in two long-term relationships. That is how little you know of me. That is how much you are around and precisely why these other men are ‘in’ my life and you are not. I love you, you know I do, but don’t you dare use that against me. Don’t think I am too weak to walk away because you will be sadly mistaken. I love you, but I know where the door is. I also know I can fall in love again. Why? Because I am no longer IN love with you. I have no hope for our future together. There I said it. You killed any hope of that by never talking about it. The ‘future’ was such a scary word to you, but I know one thing that is more scary. Your life without me in it.
I know you need me. You need to live vicariously through me. And as much as I don’t want to say it. I know you love me too. That somewhere in that deep, dark heart of yours is some fragment of love. And I know that is the most anyone can get, the rest you give to your daughter.
I hate you for killing my dreams of a loving family, a husband to come home to and a daughter or son of my own. You ruined it by being the man I loved who didn’t love me back, properly or at all. Whatever. But I have hope. Hope the future exists with someone other than you.
I have to tell you this. There is someone else. Someone that I can see potential with, a life. Someone who I know wants a family too. I see him watching me from across the room. I see him wait, distracted, for me to enter, and I see him leave when he gets all flustered. I like talking to him. He has ‘it’, that undefinable quality that makes someone so charismatic. I know I have ‘it’ too. He has met his match in me, but I am not even sure I am playing. BECAUSE I STILL LOVE YOU!!!!!!
And I hate myself for that.