This place must be toxic. I’ve been here twenty minutes and I feel down, and for no reason what-so-ever. I think there’s just too many memories here or something. I keep feeling a drive, that feeling on the front of your brain when you’re restless that keeps telling you to do something that matters. It’s weird when all the distractions go away and you realize you can’t even stand your own voice, or look at yourself properly. I feel horrible and pretentious right now, just for writing, cause all I keep thinking about is poets and their correct grammar and formulas, which really mean fuck all. Trying to bind something like art or communication to rules and laws is ridiculous.
I’m so fucking restless, and I have nobody I can talk to. First of all because there’s nothing actually wrong with me and secondly because I can never open myself up enough because I don’t trust people enough, and when I keep seeing auto-corrects online and videos of people failing or something like that it just makes me think that we’re losing more privacy and intimacy. That’s why typing this is easy, and is making me feel so much better already, even when I know nobody’s reading it. I keep failing to recognize a different part of me, because I can’t stand it. I’ll do something like this, or just try anything and tomorrow and rip it up, or delete it, just to pretend this part of me doesn’t exist. And what really scares me because my dad does the same thing I feel like doing right now, he always distracts himself and never sits still, and I know he has depression. So then I’m left thinking is there actually something wrong with me or am I just being a whinny bitch about nothing. The thing is I’ve a great life, great friends a lovely family and I’m still surviving college, so how could anybody even begin to understand if I’m down, I can’t even justify it to myself! There might be nothing wrong though, it could just be drink bringing me down, because I’ve been out a lot lately, and I hear you can feel low after it.
I also ask myself if it’s worth it, feeling really up then really down. Are extremes better than a numb middle? From time to time I get a really empowering feeling, like I can do anything I want. And those times outnumber the down times, so I’d probably change nothing if offered a numb middle.
Just typing all this has made me feel ten times lighter, and in a strangely literal kind of way. I almost feel like a different person then when I started writing this thing, and I can feel myself already starting to regret all of this. I don’t want to read back over this and just delete it and forget about it, because I’m already feeling pretty stupid. I feel really exposed and I don’t like it, I don’t want anybody to ever see the person that started writing this thing, including myself. But I probably should open up more, it just scares the shit out of me. So this is the letter I’ll never said to the people I see every day, especially to the friends that make me laugh so much. But hopefully I’ll be able to open up more, or actually define what, if anything, is wrong with me. But like I said I feel happy now, I’m replaying a song that’s making me feel so fucking good. 🙂
We claim to know so much, but I don’t think I’ve ever met a person that truly knows themselves. So let’s learn, because it feels to me like it’s the most important thing we’ll ever learn.
If you understand any of what I’ve said I’ll be amazed, because I just feel like I’ve been rambling.