I broke my restraining order against my abuser. I’m in love with him. I went 8 months without talking to him. I gave in, I caved and wrote him. We’ve been talking for a week now, he says he loves me. He says he wants to be with me. He says he wants to make things right with me. He says he wants to marry me. I haven’t said much to him, I’m still taking all of this in. Figuring it all out inside my head. I love him, more than I have ever loved anything. I ache for him. It’s insane. I still can’t wrap my head around how on earth I could still love somebody who hurt me so deeply. He broke promises, he broke the most important one, the one promise I never thought he wouldn’t keep. He put his hands on me. Hit me. Choked me. Slammed my head in the wall. Threatened to kill me. He broke my heart. Crushed me, wore me out, wore me down, ripped my soul right out of me. He took my self worth from me. I lost myself in him. It’s been almost 3 years and I STILL love him. I’m bound to him, wired to him, connected to him. I’ve been tossing the word soul mate around in my head for 3 years now. Can it be? Can my soul mate be my abuser? It can’t be….Can it? I asked him the other day why he treated me so bad. I got a simple response that stirred up a million thoughts in my pretty little head. ‘I felt like I was KING, and you, you were my slave. I felt like you owed me.’
-I grew up watching my father abuse my mom. It took me many years to forgive him and to let go of all the hate I had for him in my heart. When MY abuser told me that he was KING, It struck a cord inside. My father used to tell my mom that when he was angry. I remember him yelling “This is MY house, I am the KING! And you’ll do as I say.”
They say little girls grow up to marry their fathers. Maybe if mine was better, I wouldn’t be in love with my abuser. I suppose that’s not very fair to say. It’s not my fathers fault that I got caught up with my abuser and fell in love. And It’s not my fathers fault that I cant seem to get out of this cycle.
So while I’ve been doing everything in my power to not respond to my abuser these past 8 months, there *is* a good guy who comes into play in my story. This one, we’ll call him, my security blanket. He’s been the good guy in my story for 5 years now, he was here before I even got started with my abuser. And he truly is the good guy. And sadly, as most stories go, the good guy isn’t winning in this one either. He’s unbelievably good to me. He knows how my heart hurts, and ALL he wants to do is make it better. I told him recently that I’ve committed myself to him. But I just can’t. I have to take it back and it’s going to kill him. I can’t give him my heart if it still belongs to the other, right? It doesn’t work like that.
-I’m a mess. My head is a mess. My heart is a mess. I hurt.
I’m letting the king win, the good guy gets fucked over, once again.
And to top it all off, I might be pregnant with a baby who belongs to a guy that isn’t even worth playing a part in my story.