Archive for February 3rd, 2012

Why?

Why does it seem that everything I do is a mistake? That even when I try to show kindness it ends up being a blunder. That I’m actually being a doormat. When I say I love someone it seems that it is just infatuation. When I tell the truth in reality it is all lies. When I have dreams I am being unrealistic. Is there anything I can do right? Will I always be this mess? Wondering if I am only holding on by a thin thread to my sanity. I’m crying inside but the tears won’t come out. I put the pain deep inside of me. I laugh out loud, smile as much and possible, and try to act perky. But my body betrays me. The stress is causing me physical pain. They say it is better to let it out. But how? Writing this only helps so much. I want to scream but I don’t want to be heard. I fear that when others hear of what I feel and the problems I’m going through they will diminish it. Laugh it off. Tell me in reality I have no problems. Just like everything else in my life. I can’t decipher anything. I have it all wrong. I don’t understand anything. I’m not qualified for anything in life it seems.

Do you wish me dead? Do you know that living is more painful? You have no idea about my life. You only saw a snippet. Please don’t assume. Please let me live my life. I have heard all the critics.

Let me tell you that the biggest critic in my life I know very well.

It is ME.


1 comment. Click here to comment. | Posted in: * Safe for Work *, To You

 

Why I Don’t Say “I Love You” Back

Dec,

Friends first, you started telling me you loved me from the first day we we “official”. I don’t know if it’s bugging you as much as it’s bugging me that I can’t bring myself to say it back yet.

I notice EVERY TIME you say you love me, because I feel the pressure to say it back and fail to do so every time. Not that you’re pressuring me, or even asking why I don’t say it back. It’s just noticeable to me.

I do love you, I think, to an extent. Like I said, we were friends first, and I already loved you in that sense for a couple of years before our feelings for each other became clear.

But here’s the thing: I’m scared. I’m scared because N says she thinks you’ll end up hurting me, and I’m scared because I find it hard to trust, and I’m scared because I want SO BADLY for you to be the one. I’m scared that I’ve talked myself into loving you because of how badly I want you to be the one who captures my whole heart forever. The one who proposes in the most original and personal way he can think of because he knows that’s what it’ll take to be sure I can’t say no. The one whose eyes I see looking out at me from the faces of my children.

And just writing this has made think that maybe talking myself into loving you is maybe the same thing as being sure that I love you. You probably won’t read this ever, but I think now I have the courage to tell you I love you. And this letter is the reason.

Kat


No comments yet. Click here to comment. | Posted in: * Safe for Work *, Love - Pure and Simple

 

Hurt

Dear boyfriend,

I sit here and call you my boyfriend, not only my boyfriend, but also my best friend. Meeting you four years ago was a miracle to my life… I have loved you since the moment I met you. You are so smart and handsome and the one person I always could see spending my life with. After a wonderful 2 year long relationship, you changed. I feel like I would do anything for you. Yes, I am not always perfect. I get hurt, I cry, and I wear my emotions on my sleeves, but you have always known that. It’s like you did a complete 180. You just seem to not consider me in your life. What did I do wrong? I’ve sat you down and asked you if you were ready to end things, and although I would be so broken over that, I would do it for you to make you happy. You said no. You say you love me, but if you do… act like it.

Would you hurt if you saw me here, crying, writing you a letter out of desperate heartache because you never told me that you got home safe driving with someone who has been drinking? Is it so awful that I am doing this? Sometimes I wish we never got together because then I might not be feeling the hurt you are causing.

Love always and Forever,
Your Girlfriend


No comments yet. Click here to comment. | Posted in: * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak

 

Your first love isn’t always the right love

You’re my first love and I wish i could show how much that means to me. I wish i could show you how much i really love you. I wish i could show you the things i dream about all day everyday. I dream of us being together being so happy and someday having kids. You don;t know what I’d give just to have you for one night.

You’re my first love and I want it to last. I understand i can’t have everything i want and maybe just maybe we’re not really meant for each other, but love is so amazing and at this point… there’s no one else I’d rather share it with.


No comments yet. Click here to comment. | Posted in: * Safe for Work *, Lost Love

 

to be called yours, was truly amazing.

to me, love was always a silly thought. a concept that only made sense in movies.. an idea that existed ONLY in movies. i would have never thought that it was real and played with the innocent souls of creatures that roamed this planet Earth.
i used to think that such a feeling couldn’t touch the hearts of anyone.. Especially me.. i’m not the type of person who has many feelings for a partner.. don’t get me mistaken for one to hit it and quit it, but i am surely not one to cry for weeks on end after a relationship falls apart.. stuff like that happens everyday..
well, my point, dear..
is that if anyone was to “fall in love”, the LAST person would be me.. i was never one to believe that me, of all people, would ever be honored to even get a tiny test of the happiness and warmth it is claimed to bring…
i never knew what butterflies felt like.. till i saw you..
i never had the blood rush to my cheeks , painting them rosy red.. until i met you..
we talked for months.. i just saw you as just another guy..
but as we shared days,laughs, ideas,secrets, and much much more, i felt something… something so unfamiliar.. so… foreign..
We were the perfect couple. getting compliments from every way. from everyone. we were the couple everyone wanted to be . we had the relationship everyone wanted to have. but of course, everything has an end…
it’s been two months since we have been apart.. yes, we are still there for each other.. yes, i care for you just as much, if not, more, than i have before.. we still have minute arguments. we still flirt like the first day we met. you still give me butterflies that multiply like it’s their job.. to this day, you make me blush . you make me the happiest person in the world..
but your feelings for me aren’t the same… it kills me..
i’ve been meaning to tell you.. just not quite sure which words are concrete enough for you to grasp.. couldn’t find the right way.. or the right time to tell you this…… but i don’t have much time to carry on the first gift my mother gave me.. life… yes.. i’m dying..
slowly, actually..
i’m not to live past this week..
but if it means anything..
iloveyou….. i mean, to be completely honest.. that’s an understatement..

i was never a girl to believe in love.. never could have thought that it would stumble into my life ..
but you showed me.. it DOES exist.. cos i DO feel it..
every time we hold hands. every time you pull your body close to mine.. every time you kiss me.. every time you whisper sweet nothings in my ear before i sleep, very close to you… smelling your sweet scent. my safe haven. your arms… i feel it when you smile at me..
no matter what happens.. i’ll love you.. through our good times. our bad time. and our absolute hideous days.. everything.. i’m by your side… even when i’m gone.. even if you don’t feel the same anymore…
i don’t know what i could do to possibly ever thank you..
thank you for showing me… for giving me a feeling i thought i would never have.. for being my bestfriend and lover.. for everything, really…
just.. thank you..


No comments yet. Click here to comment. | Posted in: * Safe for Work *, Love - Pure and Simple

 

this is me

Dear (whoever is reading this)…

I’m not writing this for anyone to feel bad for me… that’s actually the last thing i would ever want. I’m just here looking for a little guidance with my current situation.

To summarize my life up in a couple of sentences, as of right now i’m a freshman in college. My father passed away when I was nine, and ever since his death i’ve been ultimately unable to allow anyone or any guy into my life. I’ve built up a large barrier and won’t let anyone knock down, and for the most part it is ruining my chances of ever being able to form a stable relationship. It’s not that I don’t want to be able to date guys, it’s just that whenever I come to that point of actually getting serious with a guy, I find ANY reason to stop talking to him. I DO want to be able to let someone in, and essentially be able to really pour my heart out to someone.

I guess it’s just that i’m scared. I’m scared of getting hurt. I’m scared of having to go through the tragedy of losing someone I love again. But as of right now, my heart won’t let me open up. And it’s killing me. I want to be able to let someone in so that I can move on with my life and not be alone forever. The thought of never being able to open up and express myself to someone scares me more than almost anything.

I need your help. If you can give me some advice as to how I can open my heart and trust guys without the fear of being left keep me from falling in love, it would honestly mean the world to me. I want to beat this, and I know you can help me.


3 comments so far. Click here to comment. | Posted in: * Safe for Work *, Dating, Help

 

I Will Love You Always

Michael,
i love you and even though i broke up with you- twice- i will always love you. i have a boyfriend and you have a girlfriend. this last time when we separated, i knew i would come back. but you won’t let me. not this time. not again. i get where you are coming from, you don’t trust me. but i love you. you might love her but you told me that you would always love me no matter what. no matter what means through heartache and pain. you said i was the only thing in this screwy world that you love without equal. i remember. i always will, i keep every message you send me. i do want to realize that there probably will never be an “us” again, but i can’t let go. missing you isn’t the problem, it’s wondering if you will ever come back that’s killing me. did you know that nothing hurts more than waiting, especially since i don’t even know why i’m waiting anymore. you never know what you have until you lose it, and once you lose it, you can never get it back. just because you moved on doesn’t mean i still won’t be here if you change your mind. people say you asked her out because you wanted to make me jealous, but i know that’s a lie. i love you. i admit to lying, betraying, and backstabbing. but i’m sorry. i’m so sorry and if you ever see this, i want you to know that i love you so much and i want you back.


No comments yet. Click here to comment. | Posted in: * Safe for Work *, Letting Go

 

Heyy

Hey Chris

I love you. <3

…. I'm just too scared to tell you.
-_-


No comments yet. Click here to comment. | Posted in: * Safe for Work *, Love - Pure and Simple, Short -n- Sweet

 

Good Hair and Makeup Won’t Make Me Pretty

In college I’ve slowly introduced girlier things into my life to be more feminine. I’ve gotten hooked on painting my nails and my toes and learning makeup & hair. But they’re cover ups. In my younger, tomboy days I used to wonder why girls felt the need to go through all that pain and pay all that money to try and look good.

I didn’t realize that I was doing it until my self esteem hit the floor this morning.

I’ll always be the intelligent girl, the odd, somewhat quirky nerd. But not the cute and beautiful quirky like the way men are enamored with Zooey Deschanel. Men like nerdy and quirky when it’s alternative, has to do with music, wears interesting prints or bold haircuts. Me, I’m more of the bland, “one of the boys” female engineer who just wants to know how things work and is content studying dirt, concrete, and metal. I’ve learned to roll with the boys because it’s been important for survival in college. Being that nerd, it’s part of who I am, part of how I am, and I can’t help it just as much as I can’t stop breathing or can’t change that I have blue eyes.

Every boyfriend I’ve ever had has hardly thought I was pretty or beautiful. Two long relationships (1+ year each) have gone by with me being able to count on my two hands the number of times “pretty” or more was uttered in my direction, or written and sent to me in any form by either one. The one guy who did say it was raised to say it, and it was as empty as an “I love you” coming from the drunk girl clutching a red solo cup who you barely know standing next to you at the keg. They fizzled away in a matter of weeks, and so did our short relationship.

I guess I should just start accepting that guys don’t see me as pretty, or beautiful, or gorgeous, or any of those things. No skills with a makeup brush or a curling iron will help how I look. I have terrible acne, awkward curves, and am trying really hard to get them under control. I can’t look in a mirror without drawing blood from a pore in my face trying to clear out my skin, the way someone who bites their nails just can’t stop. I worry about what I eat, and I work out constantly. I now see why girls get eating disorders. I don’t want to end up that way, but I’m starting to worry that it could potentially happen.

I had a hard time realizing this morning that my boyfriend, the men before him, and the men after him, will always see me as the cool smart chick, never a beautiful girlfriend. I don’t think it’s the guys. I think it’s me. I’m trying to come to terms with how to safely deal with that in my life, and how to be happy with it.

Like everyone else, I just want to be happy.


No comments yet. Click here to comment. | Posted in: * Safe for Work *, Thoughts

 

I’m sorry

I’m so sorry. I wish I could get a redo on the last 14 years to prove to you that I really love you. That damn old cliche is so true: you never know what you have until it’s gone. I can’t picture my future without you in it! It kills me to have to look at our gorgeous children and know that they will soon learn that you’re gone. Will they blame me? I do. I’ve made so many mistakes, but you’re not perfect either. What happened to in good times and in bad? For richer for poorer? I wish there was a course you could take on how to be the perfect wife. I wish I knew how to be your everything. But then you say you can’t be MY everything. I don’t think I can bear this. I miss you so much! Am I just being dumb? Is it just you always want what you can’t have? I don’t know. All I know is that my heart is broken. I don’t remember feeling this badly ever! I’m trying to slowly put away stuff that reminds me of you. IT’s too painful to look at it. I don’t want the kids to see me lose it for no reason. I try not to let them see anything, but I think nosey noserton is onto me. She’s just too smart. She’s trying to help me so much, which just makes me feel even worse. I keep thinking I’ll wake up and this will all have been just a horrible nightmare. But I can pinch myself over and over. All it does is leave a little bruise. What can I do? I can’t raise the kids by myself. I mean, I can, but I Don’t WANT TO!!! I want you to realize what a mistake this has been! I want you to show up at the door and beg me to forgive you! I’d do it in a heartbeat! Things wouldn’t be perfect, but what is? That’s what working together in marriage is for. I can’t. I just can’t take it anymore! Oh GOD, please help me! It hurts so bad! I will love you forever. no matter what.


No comments yet. Click here to comment. | Posted in: * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak

 


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