Archive for February 3rd, 2012

Dec,

Friends first, you started telling me you loved me from the first day we we “official”. I don’t know if it’s bugging you as much as it’s bugging me that I can’t bring myself to say it back yet.

I notice EVERY TIME you say you love me, because I feel the pressure to say it back and fail to do so every time. Not that you’re pressuring me, or even asking why I don’t say it back. It’s just noticeable to me.

I do love you, I think, to an extent. Like I said, we were friends first, and I already loved you in that sense for a couple of years before our feelings for each other became clear.

But here’s the thing: I’m scared. I’m scared because N says she thinks you’ll end up hurting me, and I’m scared because I find it hard to trust, and I’m scared because I want SO BADLY for you to be the one. I’m scared that I’ve talked myself into loving you because of how badly I want you to be the one who captures my whole heart forever. The one who proposes in the most original and personal way he can think of because he knows that’s what it’ll take to be sure I can’t say no. The one whose eyes I see looking out at me from the faces of my children.

And just writing this has made think that maybe talking myself into loving you is maybe the same thing as being sure that I love you. You probably won’t read this ever, but I think now I have the courage to tell you I love you. And this letter is the reason.

Kat

to me, love was always a silly thought. a concept that only made sense in movies.. an idea that existed ONLY in movies. i would have never thought that it was real and played with the innocent souls of creatures that roamed this planet Earth.
i used to think that such a feeling couldn’t touch the hearts of anyone.. Especially me.. i’m not the type of person who has many feelings for a partner.. don’t get me mistaken for one to hit it and quit it, but i am surely not one to cry for weeks on end after a relationship falls apart.. stuff like that happens everyday..
well, my point, dear..
is that if anyone was to “fall in love”, the LAST person would be me.. i was never one to believe that me, of all people, would ever be honored to even get a tiny test of the happiness and warmth it is claimed to bring…
i never knew what butterflies felt like.. till i saw you..
i never had the blood rush to my cheeks , painting them rosy red.. until i met you..
we talked for months.. i just saw you as just another guy..
but as we shared days,laughs, ideas,secrets, and much much more, i felt something… something so unfamiliar.. so… foreign..
We were the perfect couple. getting compliments from every way. from everyone. we were the couple everyone wanted to be . we had the relationship everyone wanted to have. but of course, everything has an end…
it’s been two months since we have been apart.. yes, we are still there for each other.. yes, i care for you just as much, if not, more, than i have before.. we still have minute arguments. we still flirt like the first day we met. you still give me butterflies that multiply like it’s their job.. to this day, you make me blush . you make me the happiest person in the world..
but your feelings for me aren’t the same… it kills me..
i’ve been meaning to tell you.. just not quite sure which words are concrete enough for you to grasp.. couldn’t find the right way.. or the right time to tell you this…… but i don’t have much time to carry on the first gift my mother gave me.. life… yes.. i’m dying..
slowly, actually..
i’m not to live past this week..
but if it means anything..
iloveyou….. i mean, to be completely honest.. that’s an understatement..

i was never a girl to believe in love.. never could have thought that it would stumble into my life ..
but you showed me.. it DOES exist.. cos i DO feel it..
every time we hold hands. every time you pull your body close to mine.. every time you kiss me.. every time you whisper sweet nothings in my ear before i sleep, very close to you… smelling your sweet scent. my safe haven. your arms… i feel it when you smile at me..
no matter what happens.. i’ll love you.. through our good times. our bad time. and our absolute hideous days.. everything.. i’m by your side… even when i’m gone.. even if you don’t feel the same anymore…
i don’t know what i could do to possibly ever thank you..
thank you for showing me… for giving me a feeling i thought i would never have.. for being my bestfriend and lover.. for everything, really…
just.. thank you..