• Somethings wrong with me

    by  • February 2, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Regret • 5 Comments

    Dear saftey blanket,

    We’ve been playing this game for 5 years now and it’s high time it comes to an end before I hurt you once again. You’re in over your head and you dont understand this. You dont understand me. You think you have all the answers, but you’re wrong. -I’m- Not the answer for the questions swirling about in your head. You’re digging yourself deeper into this mess I call my life. I realized today that I never did really love you like you love me. You will never understand how much it hurts me to say this. But I realized how much i’m hurting you, and I cant do it anymore. For 5 years now, you’ve always been there to pick me up and brush me off whenever I fell down. You watched me get trampled on by all the wrong men, watched my heart break, and every time -you- would be there to put my heart back together. You gave me love, you built my confidence back up, you put a smile on my face and I gently set you down on the back burner just as I always have. You set there safely for the next time I fell down and needed someone to pick me up. And you were, it was you. Always you. And yet somehow I just cant love you like you love me. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I gave my heart to you, but the truth is, HE still has it. And he has a tight grip on it. He’s not letting go, and truth be told, I’m so sure I want him too. I’m in love with a monster who has broken me beyond repair. I’ve been taking you for granted, you’ve just been sitting there waiting for me to need you again. I -do- love you, just not the way you want me to. Not the way I love him. You dont set a fire in my heart, you dont awaken my soul, you dont send shocks straight through me as he does. I wish I could make myself be just as in love with you as you are with me. You’re the greatest man I’ve ever met. You’re the good guy in my story, I feel as though I’m -supposed- to be with you. But I cant force it, no matter how hard I try, it’s just not the same. Maybe someday i’ll be able to give you what you deserve. But I cant keep hurting you….

    Your user

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    5 Responses to Somethings wrong with me

    1. The Blanket
      May 14, 2012 at 10:40 pm

      This is your safety blanket speaking.

      Well, maybe not YOURS, exactly. Just like you aren’t MY user, but we both know each other too well for our own good.

      It’s probably for the best that you’re casting the blanket aside. God knows our little codependent rescue-revive-leave-return-repeat cycle isn’t doing either of us any good. As long as you’re still drawn to a fire that’s going to burn you, and I’m still going to be there to dress the wounds, neither of us is going to be able to move on. As long as nothing changes about that, about what I am to you and you are to me, we’re doomed to repeat and repeat and repeat.

      So thank you for extracting yourself.

      But before you move on completely, before you forget everything that’s happened, there are a few things that I should probably confess.

      First, don’t forget that I have a problem, too. My problem is, as much as you use me, as much as you suck dry my emotional core as I try to repair the damage another has done to you, I couldn’t walk away. I should have, long ago, if only to save myself from being used and ignored. It speaks to MY dysfunction, the fucked-up notion that someone like you would only care about someone like me because she NEEDS me. I’m worth more than that, or I ought to be, but I don’t think it. That’s MY issue, and I’ll have to deal with it eventually.

      Second, don’t think for a second that YOU’VE seen through what’s been happening, and I haven’t. I’m not stupid, you know. I KNOW you’ve been using me. I know that you’re fucked up, that this thing between us is fucked up. But you’ve got to understand that I’M fucked up, too. We’re ALL fucked up–you don’t get to own being fucked up all by yourself.

      What’s so frustrating, though, is that you’re doing to me exactly what HE did to you. Just like he broke you, you’ve been breaking me. The good guy can only get fucked over so many times before he wonders if it’s really worth all the effort, all the heartache, all the pain.

      But since you left, I wasn’t beyond repair. I did my best to build myself back up. The part of me that was willing to love you so unconditionally is gone, and thanks to you, I’m not sure anyone else will ever enjoy what you threw away with such callous, uncaring disregard. But I saved myself from YOUR fate. I’m not going to break anyone else, I’m not going to take YOUR place and break whoever fills in for me. And that’s because I finally, FINALLY realized something.

      The “fire in your heart,” the thing that “awakens your soul”?

      That’s a LOT of fucking bullshit.

      It’s what weak-willed people tell themselves when they let their emotions run rampant over their better judgment. It’s what CHILDREN do when they horse around outside and someone gets hurt, even when mom warned them not to. It’s an excuse, a LAME excuse, a way for you to alleviate your guilt about the things YOU did.

      Did you hear that? It’s not a FEELING, it’s not the FIRE, not your SOUL.

      It’s YOU.

      YOU used me.

      YOU left me.

      For HIM.

      That’s how I got over it; I realized that my sanity and my long-term happiness were worth more than the RUSH I felt when I was with you. I hope, somehow, you realize the same thing. Because underneath all the bullshit, you ARE an amazing person, and you deserve better than being used by someone else.

      We both do.


    2. OP
      May 15, 2012 at 1:44 am

      That made me cry, I’m sorry you’re hurting and I hope things get better. -For what it’s worth, I’m not a user anymore, he’s still my safety blanket though, he wants to protect me, always. But you should know that the good guy won this time. Not long after I wrote this I came to my senses and realized that life would be so much better if I let go of the other one. The one who only wants to bring me down, the one who enjoys tearing me apart. You should know that I took my heart back from the other and left it with my safety blanket. He’s the happiest man in the world and I couldn’t ask for anything more. I almost missed out on this chance to be with my soul mate over something I could have prevented a long time ago. I think about how lucky I am everyday that I have him and I will NEVER take him for granted again. My life wouldn’t be the same without him, he truly is my other half. He is my hero, the good guy in my story, my best friend, my protector, my healer, he’s my everything.
      -Sometimes we can get attached to things that are not necessarily good for us. Old habits die hard, and sometimes it’s hard to break free from people, even shitty people who only want to break us. Give it time, hopefully she will come around and realize what she’s missing out on.


    3. LOL (cynical)
      May 15, 2012 at 8:05 pm

      Oh wow, this sounds all to familiar.
      Let’s form an Association of ‘Blankets United’.
      No offense to the User though, because lets be fair, we feel what we feel and love only works both way. Nothing else – will last forever.


    4. Another blanket
      May 15, 2012 at 8:20 pm

      Wow – to both of you. I think you both just summed up my relationship in one fell swoop, ten thousand times better than I ever could. You’re both strong enough to pull out, I hope I will be.

      Nothinng hurt more than being told that the love for me was that of a little sister, or that there were real “sparks” and it couldn’t be helped. Fuck that, I see/talk to guys all the time that I could easily see myself having sex with/dating IF THERE WASN’T SOMEONE WAITING FOR ME AT HOME.

      It’s true though, I’m just as weak and just as fucked up, just in a totally different way, we’re not blind, just weak. For me it just hurts giving somebody every last piece of you and watch them chew it up and spit it out. Like you were worth less than the dirt on their shoes. To completely give yourself to someone and have that happen is something that I don’t think I’ll ever fully get over. I love him more than anyone else, but hate him more too, not half as much as I hate myself though.


    5. OP
      May 16, 2012 at 1:18 am

      “It just hurts giving somebody every last piece of you and watch them chew it up and spit it out.”

      Yes, it does hurt, alot. This is how my relationship was with ‘the other’, for two years I put up with physical and mental abuse from him, random meth binges throughout the course of the relationship, lying, stealing, cheating.. It was the most volatile, unhealthy, on the brink of insanity situation I had ever been in. And somehow, I STILL wanted him, still loved him, still put my everything into our relationship. I hated him, and hated myself even more. He always told me that hate was supposed to come with love, so I always thought it was normal to feel that way. I woke up one day and realized that he was wrong, I realized that I don’t hate one single thing about my safety blanket and all the years he’s been in and out of my life, he’s never made me hate myself either. And that was it, my decision was made. “Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt” I have this quote as little reminders all around me every day (In my phone, on sticky notes around the house, jotted on notebooks laying about, etc.) So I’ll remember what love is really supposed to be like. My safety blanket opened my eyes to a love I’ve never experienced before. Everything truly is beautiful and absolutely nothing hurts. I owe him everything, he saved me.
      -It took two years of being with the other and another year apart from him to fully get over it and put it all behind me. I forgave him, I don’t hate him any more, but most importantly, I don’t hate myself anymore. I don’t know your story, but If you’ve developed hate for him and yourself, your best bet is to let go.

      -Wishing you nothing but the best



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