I always used to tell myself I wouldn’t let myself get hurt, I would put up these walls and keep everything and everyone out of my life.
I always told myself I wouldn’t get into an abusive relationship, I always told myself i’d do better than my mom did.
I told myself i wouldn’t cut myself,
I told myself I wouldn’t pop pills,
I told myself I wouldn’t smoke weed,
I told myself I wouldn’t try to kill myself.
I told myself I would forget about what happened when I was younger, I told myself I wouldn’t think of the night I was raped.
I tried so hard to keep everything so hidden
My thoughts are grey, everything is grey, but I like it, it keeps everything even and calm.
I never had calm in my life.
I had hits and punches and threats.
I had life that grew inside of me
I had life taken away from me,
I had life.
I had pain
I have pain
I don’t know how to think clearly most days
Everything I do I long for him, for us, for what I once thought was true.
Everything is tearing me apart.