Archive for February 2nd, 2012

Dear Espea,

I ask you pleaSe not to disregard the voice of my heart nor the message bound within it merely because you recognize the face behind this page. Give me just one chance – a singular opportunity in the form of this (ratHer long) letter to convince your heart that it BELONGS in the impenetrable confines of my own wherE I will allow no harm to befall it.

You made me promise to leave the only bridge that connected our worlds lying in ruins at the bottom of this chasm that now separates us; an Expanse so wide that the other side disappears over the horizon, unabLe to be seen with such limited eyesight. I could steal a glimpse into your world right now if I so wanted, and you’d Be none the wiser, but the contract I had signed is not defined by what I can get awaY with.

Yet with each new grain of sand that falls, denoting the passing time, I find the pull of your allure growing stronger within me, feeding off of my Pain, my desires, my raw love that has yet to be refined. Is this madness with which I wrestle? Or is it something I should whole-heartedly pursue? What is the mind, if not the guIde for the heart? And you, my dear, have been the object of my thoughts with unprecedented consistency. What other pursuit is as noble or worthwhile as that for such a beautiful, nonPareil soul? I tell you: there is none!

If only time would owe me one, I would ask it to rewind more than a year and a half, to the happiest five months, twenty-eight days of my life. And that joy is not derived merely from your stunning bEauty, exceptional intelligence, and marvelous appreciation for cReativity and uniqueness, although of course those all play imPortant roles. No, as I look back on our time together, I also found joy in the discovery of my own person in your presence, for you had an uncanny way of bringing me out of myself. My shell was crumbLing around me and I began to emerge as the man God always intended me to be. I can see that now. But that shell has closed up and I am now more lost than ever. Oh, yeah, I have direction and I am setting up my long-term futurE. But what is that compared to self-discovery and finding out what God’s purpose for my life is? What is that when you place it next to finding out how to live out God’s amazing Love for us in the reAl world with amazing support and Love standing by our sides? It was a struggle, sure, but it was worth it, because YOU were worth it! You ARE worth it still, or elSe I would not continue to write.

But now I am forced to face the very real prospect of living without you – without your amazing smilE that raised my spirits from the deepest trenches; without your wit that brought hours and hours of enjoyabLe and fresh conversation; without your passion that inspires even the least motivated; without your scars and wounding past that I would offer my own life to heal; without your unwavering and faithful dEvotion to a man you once claimed to be in love with; and most importantly, I would have to live without your faith, your incredibly persistent faith that I was so blessed to be able to witness grow and strengThen with each pass of the sun over our heads – with each day we spent together…

I screwed up! This isn’t new territory. We have both reached that conclusion. And were it not for my mistake we’d likely have celebrated eighteen months aroUnd New Years. But the fact of the matter is, instead we’ve both been wounded horribly by this development. I don’t know how much healing you’ve encountered, but I’m sure there are still scarS hiding beneath your skin. In my case, some of those scars are still visible on the surface, which I promptly conceal with an extra layer of clothing. But this is where things become blurry for me. I recoGnized my mistakes and admitted my faults to you. I wanted nothing more than to make it right, and you shoot me down. You came up with excuses. Whether they weRe valid or not, I am still not quite sure, but you stuck to them in an attempt to stay away from me – to refrain from putting the pieces back tOgether. Why is that, hmm??

I have my theories, but I’m not about to place thoughts and emotions into your mind and heart that don’t belong there. Only you knoW why you drove this wedge between us, and truth be told, only you can fix the damages. Action on my part, without cooperation on yours, will fail to produce anything worth producing. And I know that any phone call or attempt at direct communication with you wIll elicit the same reaction that I have received in the past. I’ve been a fool in the past, with just about every iNteraction we have had in the last several months. I have no illusions about that. I can blame it on love; on unrefined and uncontrollable passion and desire, but part of it was my own immaturity and the emptiness that comes with losing a part of myself. I wouLd have done anything to get you back, and perhaps my attitude was a bit smothering. I’m so sorry… Believe it or not, but I *have* grown up in this last month alone. The passiOn and the desire are still there, but they are tamer.

I know you have never wanted to be my everything, or be surrounded by an aura of such importance that liVing is essential. And indeed, I must say you are not, despite the expressions here that appear to be contrary. I can learn to live without you, but I don’t want to. I can get married to someone else and raise a family, but all awkwardness aside, I’d prefer that “someone” to be you. God is an intEgral part of my life. No, he is not the center of my life, but rather it is through him that I live my life, or try to live my life anyways. I am starting my career in the next few months and that will take up the majOrity of my focus. I am also focused on my friendship (yes, singular), as well as the family troubles that have yet to be resolved. So no, you are not *everything* to me, but I’d be lying if I said you weren’t oNe of the most imporTant people to me.

Seashell, I miss you like the desert misses the rain. And I am laying it all on the line right here. It’s no secret that I want to reconcile with you and to give our love a second cHance. I don’t know what goes on in your head in regards to me, but I hope and pray there is a way to rebuild this broken bridge and cherish the sEcurity of each other’s arms once again. I know I’m asking a lot from you ; a lot that by all evidence and signs you are steadFastly opposed to, and that doesn’t bode well in my favor. But the smallest particle of faith still resides within my heart that you will see past all the obstacles and difficulties and be willing to let me in again.

These next two paragraphs are going to further the case against me, but I am nOt a salesperson and therefore cannot in good conscience try to sell you something without showing you the entire package. And there are two new developments that will indeed make a relationship more difficUlt, for a time, but if we can make it through, they can pave the way for such a beautiful and worthwhile happily-ever-after. The first is that I have moved in with my dad, which adds ten more miNutes between you and I. And my financial situation isn’t any better than it was before. I Don’t think I need to explain the ramifications of thAt any further.

The second is that I have enlisted into the United States Air Force. I have already signed all the paperwork, taken the oaTh, and am currently waiting to receive the date I ship out to basic training. You may remember I contemplated it while we were together, but decided agaInst it for your sake. Well, I think this is where God wants me to be to help pull my life back tOgether. I am planning on enlisting for six years, get a degree while I am serving (which is paid for) then go into the miNistry sometime when I get out. I realize how difficult relationships with military personnel can be, which is why I decided against it initially. But this is an incredible oppOrtunity for me, and I am convinced we can both make it through, if you are indeed willing to give it a try. It will only be six diFficult years, but I’ll be out by the time I’m 28 and we would still have our whole lives ahead of us to enJoy. By then you’ll likely have your own career as well and finances won’t be a big issue. You would still get to sEe me periodically throughout each year and we can still talk regularly while I’m away. PluS it may still be several months before I leave for basic, so if yoU come acroSs this early, we may have all that time to fix the bridge and spend time together. I admit though that I’m terrified to send this to you, knowing how you may reaCt, which is wHy I’m merely posting this here, for now. I don’t want to let you go, but I don’t know how to get you back. GiRl, I love you, and every word I’ve written here is the unadulterated truth; the product of my heart and mInd working together without bias from one or the other. PleaSe say you love me, too, and that you wanT to try, again.

Love,
Enjay