It feels so lonely, being stuck in Acquaintanceland when all you want is that true close friend who will stick with you through thick and thin. Who will match your energy. Who you feel as comfortable with as you are in your own skin. Who inspires you to be the best version of yourself, just by standing next to you. Who you can tell your secrets to and know that they will not only be accepted but loved as a part of you. Who desires your company as much as you desire theirs.
Even if I haven’t been rejected and I’m just being a little over-sensitive right now, these people are not the right people, otherwise I wouldn’t be feeling rejected. I need to find someone again who wants the same kind of intensity in a friendship, whose interests and values and energy match mine. But I don’t want to be the hunter anymore. I want to be the prey. I want someone to drop ME a line out of the blue, or turn up on my doorstep and say, I want to hang out with you so much…let’s go play, let’s put the world to rights you and I, let’s have some fucking fun.
Not just a popping in for an hour for a cup of coffee so we can tell each other how boring and inconsequential our week has been. Not just sparing me fifteen minutes a week to write some half-assed responses to some deep questions that I’ve asked you when you could spend half an hour and really give me something of substance to think about. Not inviting me to open up my true self and then giving the impression that the real me is in some way unacceptable because it’s not what you were expecting, or it makes you feel uncomfortable.
I don’t want to have to adapt for anyone anymore. If necessary, I’ll just be my own best friend. But that’s kind of sad.