• freedom

    by  • February 1, 2012 • Depression • 0 Comments


    After mum left you became so sad. I felt so bad for you and I wished every day for a way to make you happy. I know you tried to do things with me but I was sixteen and I didn’t want to spend time with you, I wanted to spend time with my now ex boyfriend. I couldn’t see the future and now I’m thinking that maybe if I spent more time with you it wouldn’t have come to this.

    You got yourself a girlfriend. She looked just like mum besides the obvious differences and the fact that, yes, she wasn’t mum. At first I had nothing against her, until she started feeding you lies. Honestly, I didn’t even have anything against you either until I learned all the things you did to push mum away. It was all your fault you manipulative twat. You sent e-mails to her sister-in-law and told her that mum was having an affair when that wasn’t even true. You told her that you tried so hard and hung out with her “homeless, unemployed hillbilly” friends just to make her happy. You did jack shit. You lied to her. You verbally abused her and it’s not that hard for me to believe anymore after what you put me through.

    When I came to you in tears and told you that I was so upset to the point that I was going to kill myself, that this cloud wouldn’t leave me and the nightmares wouldn’t go away, you did nothing. Nothing. It was only until I told the school counselor and she called you and told you that I needed to see a therapist for this and I was sent home with you. You said, “It’s only a phase. Everyone just gets a little sad sometimes.” You didn’t even care. Even when we had to have family therapy sessions you lied through your teeth to her. Nothing helped. I ended up lying to get out having to go because it just made it worse. You made it worse. I just wanted you to hear me.

    I screamed and I cried and I failed classes and skipped school and did hardcore drugs just to try to get your attention and have you finally listen to me and you still didn’t. You spent time with your girlfriend and left me alone on the weekends and then come back and learn about all the shit I did and yell at me. Scream at me and tell me how I was such a failure and I’ll never amount to anything. How I was worthless and a piece of shit. How it’s no wonder I don’t have any friends because I’m so selfish, rude, and miserable. You broke me down and the cloud got bigger. You took away my mum and then you took away my dog. I was left with nothing. I started to believe him.

    I never thought you’d hurt me. Pulling me by my arm, shoving my face against the iron head board. It’s all my fault, you said, if I wasn’t being such a hard ass none of this would have happened. If I just rolled over and died it would have just been better for us all. I wrote my suicide note that night, and you left me alone and you didn’t care and your girlfriend didn’t care. You could hear my wailing and you did nothing. My heart, my soul, everything inside me broke. I grabbed the blade I used to cut and slit my wrist, but I couldn’t. I bled, but not much. It was just a few deep scratches because I couldn’t leave mum nor my brother. It would destroy her, and she suffered the same as me and I didn’t want to cause her grief.

    Now I’m left with scars externally and internally that will never fade. I called mum and told her I’m leaving you and I’m moving in with her. Fuck my school, fuck my friends, I don’t need anything.

    Not once since I moved have you called me or even sent me a letter or text. Nothing. You never cared. You were never my father. I will come back and take my dog back, and I will never return. I never want to see your face again. I never want you near me again.

    your never daughter

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