Felt like over the last couple days I’ve been saying goodbye on here to two people that have been very important in my life, but it’s the end of their chapter in my book. I’ve come to realize that I was more saying goodbye to “love” in a sense. There are always going to be people in my life that I love whether it’s my family, friends, lost friends, lost love. I made myself believe that I was a bad person for loving parts of people who were truly amazing people and still are. I will in some ways always love them and there will be memories of them that I won’t forget… they will have pieces of my heart… just like when someone passes away they will always have a piece of my heart when they are gone. This love that I express is like that.
Bad though because I have all this love in my heart for people that number one don’t give back the love in a healthy and respectful and honest way and think it’s okay, or number two finally come to the realization that they have moved on, and wanting to do what is right…I move on too. But there will always be a love there…like a memory I suppose. Writing it out helps me to compact my thoughts and makes me really see the commitment I’ve promised myself. Maybe it’s dumb but it works for me.
It’s easy to say, “I’m going to move on” but quite another to make a cognitive choice and keep committing to that everyday whether it’s writing about it or just saying it out loud. Yeah I’ve thought about it, I confess… maybe I’m a bad person… but I will push thoughts away that don’t need to be there and do what’s right. It can be a fleeting thought but it’s what I do with my thoughts and gaining control of them that counts.
Maybe I’m the only one who feels like this. Maybe I should just be alone for the rest of my life, because I feel like I could do better as a person both in thought and in life. But then I guess I’m always stuck on floating rainbows and wanting one to actually land in my lap for once.
Maybe I’ll just quit on the whole idea of love completely and say it’s not for me. Why do I always end up loving too late, or falling for someone that ends up not caring for me as much as I care for them?
I’m beginning to doubt that I have anything to ever again offer a relationship. I’m beginning to doubt my capacity to love in the truest sense. I’m beginning to doubt that there ever really was a rainbow that people talked about. I’m beginning to doubt that my thoughts are good. I’m beginning to doubt that “I” as a person is and will never be fit enough to actually have a meaningful, healthy, wonderful, and real relationship.
Maybe I am really messed up. Maybe that’s why my relationships never work out. Maybe I’m just really scared, because I’m afraid that I don’t have the capacity to really love someone in the way that they deserve. Maybe I’m just drowning in my own puddle of pity party doubts. I don’t know. It just helps to write I suppose….
Tonight I found that I only know one way to love but I’m afraid that I’ll never learn the right way…. to love.