• crap

    by  • February 1, 2012 • Confession • 1 Comment

    Whaat? Get a tattoo? What’s next, piercings everywhere? Haha

    This is not me. Haha. Yeah, it’s not. I don’t know how to write. I don’t know how to confess. It’s not like this is a confession but it’s somewhat like that. Damn. I don’t know where to start. Do I even have to start? It’s not like I’ll be sending this to you anyway. I’ll probably just let this all out like what I usually do then forget about everything.

    I have days like this. Days when all emotions bottled up inside just wanna come bursting out. It’s unpleasant. A torture that visits me who knows when then leaves me with tons of unnecessary regrets. This freaking emotional breakout is my pride’s greatest letdown.

    I hate looking stupid. I hate it when my emotions get the best of me. I hate wanting someone, much more need them. But most of all, I hate falling specially for someone I don’t really know. However, YOU. Whatever YOU you are. For whatever reason, I think I really fell for you. It’s weird and the whole of me just can’t accept it.

    I could swear I did not fall for you from just watching you. Not because of your smile. Not because you’re cute. Not because you’re sweet or friendly. Not because of your child-like behaviour. Not because you can be scarily cool. Yes, everything you do just puts a smile on my face but it’s not what made me like this. Not even those really weird and awesome dreams I had of us.

    Have I really fallen? It’s still a big question, confusion. Back then, all I really wanted was to be your friend. I swear that’s all there is to it. Seriously, that’s why I told you I don’t want any relationships cause it’s such a hassle. Add the fact that I feel so hellishly stupid when I’m in love. Everything here still holds true except that my freaking feelings didn’t stay the same.

    One day you just started glowing. I had a really hard time looking at you. It’s stupid. It feels so anime-ish “glowing” and “sparkling” person. Oh for goodness sake, the experience is enough to make me puke. When you smile or talk to me… FFFFFFFFFFF! As soon you’re out of sight, I shoot myself with my hand-pretend gun a couple of times just to kill the whole euphoria experience. I can’t pretend like everything is nothing anymore. Err! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED??!

    Here is what happened.
    At first, I just really really admired you. I thought you were just so darn cool that I couldn’t possibly fall for you. I probed some stupid questions. You trusted me with your answers and the next thing I know was that I couldn’t handle it anymore. I have no idea why. I just started feeling funny and at the same time, scared. I was terrified. I just knew this kind of day would come. It was so stupid of me. You just seem to have not a care in the world—and this was what really drawn me to you.
    I tried drifting away from you every now and then. I think I managed to contain it but hell NO. Something just had to happen in that stupid seminar. I arrived late, I was behind you guys. You looked like you’re really cold and I remembered my dreams then a thought came to me “must be nice to really hold her hand and hug her”. I was just daydreaming because you were cold there! And the next events just killed me. Til now, it’s still killing me. I don’t know how to carry on.

    I still want to be your friend! It’s just that all these feelings are in the way. And I hate how you make loving you so easy for me.

    I don’t know if I’m confuse or am just confusing myself. All I know is that I’m still a fucked up mess and I can’t be in any relationship right now. I can’t ask you out. I really want to but I can’t. Major trust&insecurity issues. I don’t want to destroy what we have now. I’ll content myself with friendship just so I won’t lose you.

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    One Response to crap

    1. anonymous
      February 2, 2012 at 1:05 pm

      I love this letter. Feels familiar like I could be right there coz had such similar experience. PLEASE TAKE IT FROM ME YOU DON’T look stupid letting emotions out! It’d be real sad if you thought letting emotions meant letting “emotions get the best of” you. Truth of the matter is… emotions ARE the best of you. If youre not letting some out then you’re not living YOUR life.
      I have a lot of experience with looking and feeling stupid too. But I especially hate when I look stupid BUT DON’T EVEN REALIZE IT coz I mistaked the times I looked stupid with times I didn’t, and times didnt look stupid with times i did. Shit. Seriously sucks so bad and when happens, pretty much ain’t nothing gonna go your way. I’d go months, years even bottling up emotions because thought I looked stupid to others when letting them come out. Course since its not possible to hold them in, I’d do all sorts of stupid shit in efforts to hide them. So I wouldn’t look “stupidly” (human). Then when emotions finally pour out, id feel ultra stupid coz felt so weird and different and never mind overwhelmed from sheer volume. Confusing as shit too, hard to even know what’s what from what’s not what.
      I was so sure back then that i looked stupid letting stuff out then come to find out, I was WRONG. The times when I ACTUALLY looked the most stupidest were when I’d hold everything in. Go figure. In my defense, since i felt stupid letting emotions out and was sure i looked stupid, I rarely did it. Then since I rarely did it, it felt completely foreign, wrong, always kept that “this-is-new-to-me-so-I-suck-at-it” feeling. Course not anymore. Now even if some of the feelings suck, at least i know what it feels like to let them go. That is, let it go to the person they r supposed to and in timely fashion. Ive certainly probably repeated myself some.
      I am really glad I learned those skills, a God-send when trying to manage all the messes I get myself into. But that’s another story… (:



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