Archive for February, 2012

Dear you.

We all have our stories. As much as I wish your story would have intertwined with mine, I can’t ever be sure of that. It’s just something we could never talk about – something *I* can’t talk about without fear of losing you. And it’s easier to pretend. To “forget” about it. It’s funny though, I always felt we could talk about anything -we were supposed to be sorta best friends, it’s been 10 years, you and me. Don’t you remember any of it?

But you led your life, and I led mine when I made my decision.

So here’s my story, the one I could never tell you.

Do you remember when we used to work together? It was so brief and so long ago, you almost forgot, didn’t you? We were walking home late one night, the path was narrow and you were just a few steps ahead of me. We were talking, about you getting enlisted in the army, I was asking how you were feeling about it. And I can’t remember why, but you got mad and told me to find myself a boyfriend, “get attached!” you said. “I’ll be going into the army, and you’re so weak, you don’t look like you can look after yourself, or be independent!” And you offended me. Gosh, I was so angry with you – I told you that you didn’t know a thing about me. I was independent and I didn’t mind being alone. But what hurt the most was hearing you reject me. Well, to me that’s what it sounded like then. All I could think about was that you didn’t want me tagging along with you anymore – you didn’t want me around.

And then he came along and I talked to him nights, and we had suppers and adventures. I told him about you. It didn’t matter to him at all, and for once, I mattered to someone. No one was asking me to leave.

You texted me your first night in the army and you told me to listen to this song by jimmy eat world. You said it was a song about friendship. It was Hear You Me.
That relationship lasted 3 years.

You grew up in those 3 years. You dated, made friends. You had your own stories for awhile. We grew apart those 3 years.

But every once in awhile, even with him, I’ve always missed you. I’ve always known it was you.

Do you remember that drunken night of partying we had? Yes I know we have had many birthdays to celebrate in 3 years. But this one was special to me because you said something offhand that I just cannot forget. It was just us in the cab (as usual), and you wanted the cab to drop me off first.My ex was pissed with me and wanted me to go over for the night. As the cab turned into his neighborhood you said, “so I’ll see you. And thank your boyfriend for helping me look after you.” It didn’t register in my head at that point in time and I just managed to drunkenly slur, “yeah thanks, I’ll see you.”

I didn’t know what you meant, and I still don’t know why you said that. Probably you’ve forgotten about it. We were drunk anyway.Probably you just felt a duty towards me for some very strange reason. Yes, let’s scratch that.

So when my relationship ended, and you asked me if it was true I liked you – I lied. I didn’t just like you. I didn’t just feel confused because my relationship wasn’t working out and you were just conveniently there for me. It wasn’t some random rebound.

If you paid attention lately, you would’ve realized I’ve been saying the same things. “going into the relationship for the wrong reasons.” I told you. But you never took the bait, it just wasn’t worth asking what I meant by that.

I was just trying to say that it has always been you.

I’ve missed you. I miss hearing you ask me out, just the two of us – because we’re good friends like that. We’ve tried so hard to be normal. We fought, you’ve ignored, we’ve talked, and fought, and regretted, and regretted some more for regretting and not doing anything about it, and we’ve distanced ourselves. You told me you weren’t interested in ANY relationship. You’ve got other priorities now, and love is not one of them. I believed you and then doubted you. Believed you again. And you’ve told me things I feel blessed to know, I’ve seen a side of you not everyone sees. I’ve kept my distance. I’ve pretended it has never happened. I’ve pretended it doesn’t matter to me.

But every once in awhile when we meet, when we have to meet because of the rest, (because we’re friends like that), you make my heart skip a beat. I can easily lose myself in your eyes. And you make me smile.

I don’t know if there’s a point to saying all this. I just felt you should know the truth. “Bad love letters beg for love back, Good love letters ask for nothing.” So I ask for nothing. Not your love at least. Maybe just for you to be happy.

You always said I deserved better, and I do. You deserve better too. You deserve to love and be loved. “Good things to those who wait” – that’s something nice to believe in.