• that empty feeling

    by  • January 31, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 0 Comments

    I been thinking a lot lately about my life that it’s going down hill but let me explain what’s going on, i’ved lost the person that I love the most. he says he doesn’t love me anymore and needs time to himself. yeah i’ved heard that before. you’re just saying it the nice way so I won’t get hurt but guess what? I still get hurt. did you really think that you weren’t going to hurt me? well guess what? you did and what is this about us still kissing and having sex shit it makes me even more confused that I gotta be living this fake life. yeah, I love my son to death but I would like him to have a real family to grow up with. two parents that love each other. yeah it was my fault to actually be sexually active and ending up pregnant. maybe if I wouldn’t had run into your arms in march then nothing would have happened. why do I always gotta be running back to you saying i’m sorry for the shit I did when I should just really move on with my life and forget of all the shit we went through. Fuck now i’m just angry with my self because I don’t mean shit to you. yeahh you might say you care about me but u just say that so I won’t get hurt. Why the heck do I still got feelings for you when I know in reality I’m nothing to you? i’m just the girl who had your child. I should of known better to not fuck up my life this bad. It makes me feel so empty and alone at times. I text my close friends and guess what they don’t understand what i’m going through but at least they try to help me out. I just can’t understand to be your friend! While i’m still sleeping next to you cuddling and kissing this aint no friends situation. It just makes me so confused but why do I still go with the flow? at times I think we’re going out but is it just me trying to make my self think that. Last night when we had sex I thought that I didn’t feel no love for you what was I thinking am I really forgetting you is it helping me or making me worse. But how the heck can u go out saying you’re single I bet you’re fucking around with someone else too. it hurts me so bad to know that we’re never going to be who we used to be that we’re just going to be together with our son but that’s all we’re ever gonna be. why am I still sitting here waiting for your response? I bet you have a girlfriend already and u don’t wanna say anything b cur afraid of your own family. But just give me time to do what I need to do and you’ll never see me! I’ll be gone forever and you’ll never hear anything from me. I’m tired of crying for someone whose gone and will never return. But let me start from where it hurts the most. My first kiss was my grandpa I was only 7 and when I turned 10 he started to molest me. Now when I was in 7th grade I met my first boyfriend and guess what he played me too. later in 8th grade I met the guy that I really had strong feelings for but guess what he chose to be with someone else than with me. In 9th grade through 10th I met the sweetest guy who wouldn’t do anything to you and will treat you right but guess what I fucked up I cheated on him with the guy who is now my babys dad and what did I get in return was for him to find someone else to replace me 2 weeks after my child was born now how do you think I feel? Recently something happeed at home and my brother had to leave the only guy who really undersands me? Now hes hours away from me I really need to talk to him I mis him so much. We had berly had just been good with each other there was no more fights we would actually say good morning and hug each other now to who am I gonna give those hugs to? Whose actually gonna understand that what im going threw is just bullshit and that I should forget that nigahh the only guy whose actually gonna defend me in what ever happens. How am I gonna send him those hugs and kisses ? I really need to talk to him but I cnt anymore till I visit him. Now talking about people that I miss I miss my grandma I don’t know why I get so sentimental when I think of her even though I was only a kid when she was with us. Now what I have to do is pray so that you realize you belong with your family but I hope you know if I leave once more im never comingback even if it hurts me. I need to realize that you don’t wanna be with me and that I should really forget about you and never go back to you again. The love we had is now fading and I should realize that its never going to be how it used to be even though if I still tell you how I feel that’s not going to change anything all its going to do is make you feel sorry for me. i should really forget my baby daddy and move on.

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