Archive for January 29th, 2012

My Monkey,

Chance: I blew it
I think… A couple of times even. I’m sorry that I don’t know how to respond to your hints. But, I’ve had to push so much away that when I actually can be with someone and not have worry piercing over my shoulder I have no idea how to respond. I know what I should have done: told you what you were fishing for, hugged you, gone to the movies with you, told you that I get that feeling in my chest too, asked what that damn song was insinuating. Fought for us (?) when you said it wouldn’t work. But it would have. But now I’ll never know. I think you’re with someone else now, which is great for you but, not for me. Great for the girl that will have the opportunity to be with an amazing guy, awful for the one that knew you were amazing and now she’s lost you. we hardly talk now. I miss you, tons. Our random conversations of nothing and our moments of relaxing on a couch ready for a nap. Maybe I’m wrong and we were just friends. Maybe you really did like me and now you’ve moved on. But I don’t understand why I can’t. I read somewhere that a crush that lasts more than four months means you’ve fallen in love. Now I’m screwed, because if I really do love you… what am I going to do if I never fall out of love with you? Though I know you may never see this (I’m actually hoping you don’t or awkwardness ensues), I need to get this off my chest. Maybe someday we’ll wind up together, maybe we won’t. I guess I’ll have to wait.

Love(?),

The one that let you get away

PS: In retrospect, I’d probably choose to remember if it meant you’d be in the memories

You were there this weekend. It was odd. I guess I had you built up so much in my mind that the real you didn’t compare. You haven’t changed much. But still, I had expected more from you.

When I saw her I was shocked. She wasn’t this beautiful girl with a stunning personality like I imagined. She was small and mousy. She was shy and soft-spoken. Yes, she was pretty and sweet but I had expected more. I don’t know why but I expected her to be untouchable. I was expecting to meet a girl who could outshine me at everything and was a clear beauty. I had her up on that same pedestal that you were on. I kept thinking “This is the girl you picked over me?” What does she have that I don’t? I honestly can’t answer that. She wasn’t this perfect girl who came in and stole your heart while you had mine. She was just an ordinary girl that you fell for.

I can’t blame you for having a heart even though you broke mine. I can’t really explain it but seeing you changed something in me. I don’t hold you that high in my heart anymore. You are just a boy that I fell for who happened to fall for someone else. I won’t say that I will never think of you again or of what we could have been, but when I do it will hurt a bit less.