Click here for a letter.I just… I need to put this out there. I can’t keep this to myself.
I’m 12.
I have a fear of incest. I suspect this is because of repressed memories. I don’t know if I have them, I just have this horrible gut feeling…
I have a fear of being lesbian. If someone is lesbian or gay, that’s fine with me. But I don’t want to be gay.
I hate dreaming. I hate it.
Because of my fear of incest and being lesbian I have had dreams where I am a lesbian, and dreams where I am performing incest.
The lesbian dreams bother me. The incest dreams literally haunt me.
I have a fear of needles, especially needles going into veins. I don’t know why. When I was younger I was quite a sick child. I had regular blood tests and have had multiple IV’s.
But suddenly, I think the year before last year when I was supposed to get a blood test, I developed a paralyzing fear of needles.
It’s been over a year and I still haven’t had the blood test. Or any shots. Or any IV’s.
My fear is so big that once when I was throwing up blood and black stuff (I still don’t know what it was) and was told that I would most likely have to be put on an IV I randomly stopped throwing up and quickly stopped feeling the nausea I had been feeling for hours and hours.
I have a need for approval. I tell many people my “deep dark secrets” (not my very darkest, but pretty dark secrets) hoping for approval. They never flip out. But I never feel better. Never. I just feel like now, people KNOW I’m a freak.
I took a picture with my best friend and it looked like we were kissing, even though we weren’t. It looked so real that I couldn’t even look at her for a few days. And then she started acting as if she was interested in me. Other people noticed too. Some random caricature artsist called us a “couple”. We’re both girls. I’m only *12*. I couldn’t handle it. I had already felt like our friendship wasn’t stable. This situation tipped our friendship into the abyss. Every time I saw her or talked to her, I felt disgusting and wrong.
I no longer have a best friend.
My closest friend now called me a bitch, a whore and a skank, among other things, over a thing that she just assumed I did. I didn’t do it.
Last year when my brother, who I am very close to, went to college, I got quite sad. Someone I knew decided to make a video for me, to make me feel better. She also decided to tell the whole school I’m clinically depressed. For months I had people going up to me with worried faces and saying, in whispery voice, “Are you DEPRESSED?” and jerks coming up to me laughing saying things like “Do you cut? Are you emo?” and people calling me goth just because I was sad about my brother leaving.
I have dermatillomania, I haven’t been diagnosed, but I constantly rip at the skin on my heels, fingers and lips, usually to the point of bleeding.
I want to see a therapist. But even though an adult and my brother have talked to my mom about sending me to a therapist, she doesn’t want to. My parents say they don’t believe in the work of therapists and psychiatrists. I think they just don’t want admit how messed up their child is.
I can’t see a councelor at my school because they and the teachers gossip. A lot. I have first hand experience of that. At the age of 10 I had almost all the teachers that taught me hating me because the girl that was bullying and blackmailing me was a teacher’s pet, and they always believed her over me.
I hate myself. I hate my school. I hate myself much, much more. I feel like a disgusting, wrong, messed up freak. I feel worthless. I don’t mind my outer appearance. I don’t think I’m super beautiful, but I don’t think I’m ugly. But I HATE myself. Who I am. I feel awful. I feel horrible. There aren’t words for how I feel.
I give advice to people. I love it. They say I really helped them. So why can I never take my own advice? I think I want to suffer.
I tell people who feel awful and like a horrible person that they’re not. That they need to stay strong and they’re a beautiful person. That they’ll get through it. So why don’t I ever believe it?
I’m messed up. I just needed to say it somewhere.
You are not messed up, it’s the world that is. I don’t know you but I can say that you are beautiful. You have nothing to fear about the world. You get to shape it. I know how you feel about life, you may not believe me but I do. It’s scary to think things about yourself and tell yourself that your not and then get these feelings or as you say “dreams.” You can’t let it get to you. I just want to tell you that you are amazing and you will get though this. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but some day, you will be able to live without feeling that you are messed up.
That’s awful. I’m so sorry to hear about that. Things look extremely grim for you right now, but you gotta believe for light on the other side of the tunnel. Things will turn out. Life will get a lot better. I’m praying that things will get better for you
-Colorado Man
I know this is hard for you. Trust me, I understand a lot more that you think. Please listen to the words I am about to say.
You are a lot stronger than you think.
It is true. I wouldn’t have the bravery to admit that things have gone wrong. I do not know you and you do not know me, but you are beautiful. Inside and out. No one is perfect. But that is ok. Have faith in yourself, things will be better. I promise you.
Like you said, you are only 12 years old. This will pass. Being 12 isn’t fun. For anyone, trust me. I’m willing to bet that, for each thing that you listed that you think of as “wrong,” there are 2 more that the world looks at as right, and beautiful.
Fear, even paralyzing fear, is ok. It’s natural – without fear, how would cavemen have known when to stay and when to run? Without fear, the human race could have been wiped out. Plus, needles are scary! I used to faint whenever I had to get shots! It’s something that, as you get older and your pre-frontal cortex develops in your brain, you begin to out-grow, or at least to attempt to out-grow.
Maybe consider, if your parents don’t want you to see a therapist, visiting with your school’s counselor? He or she might be able to help you – it’s the counselor’s job to be there for students every day.
It gets better. Try looking for something creative as an outlet to what you’re going through. Try painting, or teaching yourself guitar! Good luck, and have faith in the beautiful person that you are.
Thank you so much to everyone who commented for taking time out of your day to be so supportive to a random 12 year old you don’t even know <3 it actually does mean a lot
Hey I’m 16 and I know exactly how you feel. Like you, when I was twelve I had those irrational fears, it’s called anxiety. i was so scared to tell my mom and I began to get panic attacks because the feeling of anxiety became so uncontrollable. Soon after, I went to a church counselor who helped me get through that horrible stage. You may not know it but there are people who will help you even if your mom doesn’t set it up. See a Sunday school teacher, contact a hot line you can find online (212-726-2390). Trust me you are so far from a horrible person. The reason you have these thoughts is because of how much you’re scared of doing something wrong. Youre scared to do something bad and therefore you replay these situations in your head. I know how extremely awful you feel and I know that shaking, paranoid, fear you’re describing. You have to understand you can’t let those thoughts control you. You need to see someone and move on with your life. It all gets better, I swear! Right now I have so much less anxiety and I don’t have those irrational fears anymore. I wish I’d had someone who understood what I was going thought, you’re not alone and I hope you know that and get help and stay young and innocent and beautiful
PS- if there really is no one you can talk to I’m sure we could email or something but not if you don’t feel comfortable. I don’t want you to feel this way anymore and honestly I’ve been to enough counseling for the both of us haha. I don’t know if my past experiences would help you but there’s always a possibility and it helps to talk to someone anyways just to know you’re not alone.