Blessing or Curse?

Is this the right path I’m on? Could this really be the sun peaking from behind the desolate horizon? Or am I merely imagining it in my mind because that’s what I so long to see? It is so hard not to second guess myself, but I’ve made so many bad decisions that it’s hard not to. I made a profile on a dating site, but I never pursued any of those smiling faces looking up at me from behind my screen. I’ve been so conflicted, so unsure that this is where I should be, and so I couldn’t bring myself to commit through my own initiation. I’ve received a few messages from girls and replied respectfully, but none really grasped my attention with a strong enough grip to hold on to it for very long.

And then you came along, messaging me out of the blue, and we caught on fairly well. Is it my intense loneliness driving me to converse with you, to perhaps pursue something more? Or do I genuinely like you for the woman I see in your words that I’ve only read on a screen? I typically have good discernment of character when it comes to written communication. I suppose that’s one of the perks of being a writer.

But you made me smile today, in a way that I haven’t smiled in over a year. A smile of hope, like a rekindled flame being coaxed back to life. We’ve been texting pretty much all day, and part of me tightly clutches the hope that you are the answer to my prayers. The other part, however, is a nervous, second-guessing wreck. I’m anxious about our conversations leaving a flat screen and evolving through a microphone/speaker. I’m even more anxious at the prospect of further evolution into the world of physical interaction. Am I ready for that? What if I’ve just been making the wrong moves all this time? What if our interaction is a mistake?

I feel I’m being impulsive, even irrational right now as I write this letter – a letter I’ll never send to you. At least not so soon after our introduction. But if you’d understand where I’m coming from, the condition of my heart for the better part of the last twelve months, then you’d see the direction my heart is trying to go. You’ve jumped out at me; you’ve caught my attention and you seem like an incredible person with an awesome faith. I guess only time will tell if my inclinations are correct. But if I were honest, in case it weren’t apparent, I’m scared right now. I know I don’t sound like it when I talk to you, but I am. I’m scared of going further. Of adding voices to text; of adding faces to voices; of adding a third dimension to the second.

But if I may say so bold as to state you are beautiful, inside and out, from what I can deduct. I saw your picture on your profile and it was absolutely stunning. I’ve read your testimony and was inspired by what you wrote to me. It’s rare to come across someone with such a faith as you demonstrated in our messages. My heart longs so badly to belong to you, and I just barely met you yesterday. I long to possess yours and to guard it with my impervious defenses. Is that too premature to state? I think I’m just being impulsive again.

Anyways, I’m good at overanalyzing things, and I’m still trying to figure out which direction is the RIGHT one. Is this a blessing? Or is it a curse?

~Enjay