• She Doesn’t Even Know

    by  • January 25, 2012 • To You • 0 Comments

    Today I feel like a winner.

    You know those friends you have that make everything feel like a competition? The kind that seem to always win, and even when they don’t would never ever admit it? I have one of my own, and up until today I thought that she had won a rather important battle.

    At the end of junior year one of the most popular guys in school started talking to me. He liked me, which was crazy because I was smitten by him the first time we met. It was really cute, and innocent, and completely out of character for him to like me, because I’m the nice girl with perfect grades, but he did.

    We talked everyday for two months before he finally asked me out. We were both busy with work that summer, but texted constantly. He took me out for ice cream the first time we hung out. The second time was the only date I’ve ever gone on in my life, and we went out for pizza. We laughed and acted shy and had fun, and at the end of the night he didn’t even try to kiss me. I was disappointed, it would have been my first kiss. I thought he didn’t like me, but he texted me later that he couldn’t wait to see me again, and I was flying.

    Two weeks later he stopped texting, and I stopped trying. But he was always so nice when I saw him in passing at work or with friends. I figured he decided it wasn’t working and got over it. It’s not like we ever even kissed.

    Then at the beginning of my senior year, my “friend” who is a year younger than me thinks I don’t know that her best friend was bringing her along to the senior parties. All of a sudden, she’s best friends with him, bringing him up when she knew I still liked him. I called her out for partying, especially with him because he doesn’t have the best reputation and she told me I was jealous. I was.

    She told me that he told her friend he would hook up with her. It only took two weeks for me to find out that she actually hooked up with him, my John. The only guy that ever liked me, the only one who I could look back and be proud of in a way. She hooked up with him, and still doesn’t know that I know.

    Half a year later, it still makes my heart skip when I see him, I don’t still think about it, but every once in a while I get angry that she did this to me. She took away the only boy I ever got to call my own, just because she could. Probably to spite me, probably to prove to herself that she’s better. She has always been jealous even though she would never admit it.

    But today I feel like a winner. I thought the battle was long over until John’s best friend (we’re also pretty tight) brought his name up in conversation. It went as follows:

    Jake: Lilly, let’s talk about you. You’re so pretty. How come you never get guys at our school?
    Me: I DON’T KNOW. Believe me, I ask myself that question every day.
    Jake: Yeahhh, John had a pretty big crush on you for a while there.
    Me: Yeah. We went on two dates and then he just stopped talking to me.
    Jake: You wanna know why?
    Me: Why?
    Jake: You made him nervous. He used to text me about you all the time.
    Me: Yeah? He told me that he texted you one time to brag that we were hanging out.
    Jake: He was serious.
    Me: Hahahaha
    Jake: He called me after your date and told me that he missed his chance to kiss you. Said he could have, but he was too scared to mess it up so he just let you leave.
    Me: He never even tried to kiss me. Ever.
    Jake: shit.
    Me: It just sucks because I had the biggest crush on him ever. Like, I really liked him.
    Jake: He fucked that up pretty badly. Dude, I’m gonna tell him he fucked that up.

    That is how I win. I was not just some trashy piece of ass like she was. He liked me. Even though I don’t party, even though I didn’t drink or smoke, and even though he never even kissed me, he like me.

    I win, whore. You may not know it, but I do. I win because I will forever be the girl who made him nervous, the girl that got away for him. And you will forever be just my easy friend. YOU will forever be inconsequential.

    I don’t even care that you hooked up with him. In fact, I’m glad you did. It made me realize that I’m just that much better than you, because if the tables were turned, I would never behave how you did.

    I can’t believe I didn’t see this sooner. I win, darling. I. WIN.

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