Sometimes I Wonder
by admin • January 22, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 2 Comments
If only you knew how complicated my mind is. I often do wonder if you see what is inside my head. Yes, you have been there when I needed you which I am so grateful for. But, you will never understand how this depression gets to me. It feels as if I am losing myself bit by bit, and I am slowly fading away.
I have lost a drastic amount of weight, and you can clearly notice by how my bones are sticking out more than normal. I know it makes you worried, but I want you to know this is not intentional. Yes, I do want to be skinnier, but I don’t want to do it by not eating. This depression has literally been eating away at me.
Sometimes I do wonder if your life would be better off without me, which is probably why I have been trying to end our relationship so often. But, you keep holding on which, yes means so much. But, I just do feel like you’re better off without me.
You know the feeling of where you just feeling everything is falling apart, and people could do better off without you? Yeah, I feel like this every day. I’m even on medication for it, but some days it cannot take away the feeling of taking my own life. I’m trying to get better because the demons inside my mind are eating me alive.
Sometimes I wonder so many things.. If only you knew.
I understand depression, I do. I know how it feels or, rather, how it doesn’t feel. You feel numb, like you’re wrapped in blankets. You can’t see, you can’t hear, you can’t feel and everything is distanced.
You read articles on the ‘net about how to fight it and it seems not worth the trouble or “that won’t work for me” and, of course, it won’t work for you because you said it won’t.
Do something for someone else. That’s what worked for me. Every day I did something for someone else. Doesn’t have to be a big thing. When you hear your honey come to the door, get up to greet him/her. When you’re at the store and see something you know your friend/brother/honey would like, get it for them (assuming you can afford it, small is better).
That’s what worked for me. It’s worked for others. It might work for you but only if you give it a try.
Hugs, my friend.
Daniel
I know. I know how how you feel, thinking people are better off without you as opposed to sticking around while you bring them down. This is what I did, I brought people down. My bf left me bc of it.
I sought help, and am working on it, but I don’t think the other person will ever understand the demons in our heads unless they have the depression as well. And that is sometimes the worst, knowing the people we need to understand the most, just can’t. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t work our hardest on oursevles. We are worth it, regardless of what our demons tell us.
You’re not alone.