i don’t even know where i should start… this isn’t directed to anyone in particular, though it would be nice if everyone i know could read it. maybe i’m just trying to sort out my thoughts and saying it to a bunch of strangers is comforting because at least someone is hearing me.
I feel like my life is getting tougher and tougher. this is something that everyone says, i know, but for years and years, i have not been able to go more than a week with genuine happiness before something terrible knocks me on my ass. a week? you probably think i’m being dramatic, playing it up to be worse than it is. well, i’m not… i don’t really care if you don’t believe me, i’m not here to prove my pathetic stories, i’m just clearing my mind. It’s not even petty things; stupid 22 year old girl bullshit. this shit is real. this shouldn’t be happening to anyone my age, or anyone at all in general.
ask my ex boyfriend and even despite the “ex” he’ll still tell you i’m the strongest person he has ever known and that i keep proving to be stronger and stronger.. but it’s so overwhelming and i feel so fucking lonely. to top it all off, the 3 most important people (unrelated to me) in my life have pretty much disappeared, one of them stopped talking to almost 2 months ago and to be honest i dont really care that i’m missing out on that friendship because i was tired of that person anyway and the way they were treating me… it just bothers me because it was far more than undeserved. another caused me to fall head over heels while hiding something from me and then promptly ripped my heart out of my chest and drove away with it only to have it sitting there, idle, for an indefinite amount of time, and the other – the one i thought would be the most likely to be around – never shows face, bails all the time, says they wont do it again, and then does it again… its a vicious cycle that has been going on for too long now. i dont care what excuses there are anymore, i still understand it to an extent but they need to realize that the more they do this, the more it just seems like a bullshit excuse.
i’m so tired of being walked all over. it makes me want to not talk to these people, but then i have nobody other than my family. my family isnt bad, in fact they are wonderful and they’re supportive (for the most part…) but sometimes i just need to get away and see some people who aren’t related to me. i feel like i’m doing something incredibly wrong, and i wish i knew what it was because i’d at least try to work on it but when i’ve asked i’m told its nothing ive done or havent done, its nothing directed towards me, its not my fault. i never expect anything from anyone, i never ask much of anyone unless i’m sure i’m unable to do on my own, i’m always there for them and anyone i know or meet or knew when they need it, and i get pure shit in return. do people think that because i can help so many people out when they ask, that i must be able to handle everything on my own even when i reach out to them? if you asked them what i do wrong… 2 of them would say absolutely nothing and that i dont deserve it and that they dont wan’t to see people treat me that way and cant explain exactly why they do it. the other one wouldn’t answer.
why do people do this to me?
i’d give you or anyone else the shirt off my back if you needed it, and not just because i want to be “that person”… its just my nature and i’m not trying to get some reward out of it. this isn’t something that is just happening now; its happened throughout my life with all of my closest friends. everyone tells me how i’m the nicest person and so trustworthy and insightful and fun and funny and all these great things that anyone would love to hear, but i cant help NOT believing them when they just drop out of my life for however long until its convenient for them to come around again. i feel like i’m thought of as a convenience.
it hurts so much.
i want to tell these 2 important people so badly but its not even worth it. i would give anything to have one or both of them read this and know that its me writing. i’ve tried talking about it and the changes that were supposedly going to be made never were by either of them. i’m not going to push it though… people only change when they want to and i dont agree with forcing someone to do something they dont wish to do. maybe i just draw all of the shitty people in and the good ones avoid me… but these people aren’t shitty… they just aren’t in a place in their lives to be thinking of me i guess.
i want someone to be there for me – friend or more than friend – and wants to show me it. i dont want my normal interaction with them to be going a over a week or two without hearing from them and finally caving in to contact them only to have a short conversation with very little solid context. the one who does get in touch with me from time to time, its not so easy to try holding a conversation with them because of this unfortunate situation going on. i’ve given up on trying to initiate conversations with that person unless its something important. if they want to talk to me then they can come to me. if they think about me as much as they say they do then they can learn to show it when they start noticing that i’m disappearing out of their life.. because as much as i dont want to, as much as they are the one person who i want to be in my life for as long as it lasts, there is only so much a person can handle especially with a lot going on in the background of my own life.
my heart hurts
literally, and figuratively
i want to meet someone special other than the one who i’m so determined to be with in the long run.
someone who can be here for me now. i want someone who will call me or text me and talk to me about anything and everything just because they want to hear what i have to say and want to share things with me too. someone who will come see me without my having to ask and make me feel appreciated. i know this isn’t out of the realm of possibility because i’ve had this before… its just absent from my life right now. i feel unappreciated.
thats what it is…
i feel SO unappreciated.
i feel taken for granted.
i’ve been here before, but i actually had someone who saw it and cared to help… he was an amazing person who i’ll never be able to forget, and i can only hope that i pay it forward to as many people as i can. this person didn’t even have to do anything, but they still did as much as they could. after a while though i hit rock bottom… literally the worst place in my life, and although i’ve managed to climb out of that hole and proceed to prove to myself that i can get through ANYTHING… its only been a shit storm since that rock bottom point.
to be honest, sometimes i think about doing horrible things… things that will make me temporarily feel better but in the end it wouldn’t be pretty. maybe thats what i want though.. maybe i want to end it all but i cant just off myself because i’m too concerned with how my family would take it. I’ve been thinking of certain drugs that i dont think i could ever do but i find i am inching more and more towards them. they are scary, i’ve seen the greatest minds fall to them, but i get why those minds turned to them in the first place now. god dammit i sound disgusting. sometimes i think about running away. not in a little kid way… i want to go somewhere and find people who i can experience a whole new style of life with.. start over with something new and keep starting over and over until i find the right place for myself. i’ve always been a wanderer. growing up here i never fit in… it was like everyone had nice things to say about me but i was on some sort of different level than them (not at all saying i am better, just that i didn’t think the same way as them) and it made it tough to try to be friends with people. i just dont get why people cause so much drama and judge so harshly and make people feel like shit when its completely undeserved. i dont get why people cant step back and think of how their actions effect the people around them… why people cant take a look at a broader picture… and so many other things. after high school i escaped to a wonderful place several hours away, only to find out that even though it was more comfortable i still didn’t fit in. i had to move home again and this time i feel an even bigger separation between myself and this town. i think going somewhere that was a bit more understanding of my way of thinking made me forget how crappy it was back then, and now it just seems worse because i’ve only developed my own way of life further. i cant explain this well enough.. i’m just babbling at this point, probably making no sense. i’m pretty sure i’ve repeated myself several times and am jumping all over the place. i dont even try to explain it to people in my life because i cant get my point across… they always see the message as something other than what it is. this happens frequently with many other things… i just dont fit in with society. ohh what a rebel, right? no. fuck that. i can’t help how i think and i’m not TRYING to be different… its simply that i dont agree with the way it works, i dont agree with the way people treat each other, think of each other, have to be the best at everything and make sure everyone knows it.. etc. i just want to live and let live… i dont want to be judged- good or bad. why not even the good? because i’m not a dog and i dont need to be told i’m doing good or doing right because they expect that by saying that i will continue to do good or right. just because i do it one day doesn’t mean i’ll do it the next. i want to be able to make some art or play some music without it being a big deal. i’m not trying to impress anyone, i’m not trying to out do anyone, its just part of me. its like reading or watching tv… nobody gives people attention or positive affirmation for those things, so why do they have to make such a big deal out of they other things i do? but i know that it isnt going to change so i politely thank them and try to move forward with the conversation. i hate attention. i really do.
and another thing. i’m tired of being criticized for my choices. i’m tired of people thinking that i’m making a stupid decision based on the fact that THEY wouldn’t do it if it was them. heres the thing- i’m NOT them, i’m not you, i’m not anyone else other than myself. i’m not afraid of taking a chance, i’m not afraid of getting hurt… yeah it sucks when it happens but i’d rather risk getting hurt and possibly find my risk to be worth while, than to take no chance at all to avoid any pain. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again – fear kills dreams and possibilities.
i’m trying to go back to school in the fall…
who knows, maybe i’ll be able to find some new friends when that happens.
it seems like forever away though, but when it comes down to it i know i can keep my head up until it happens.
if anyone actually read this whole unnecessarily long, nonsensical “letter” i appreciate it. even if you dont respond, even if you think i’m nuts or ridiculous or whatever… i’m just happy someone took the time to read what i have to say. so thank you.