• Why

    by  • January 19, 2012 • Thinking of you • 0 Comments

    Why can’t I turn my brain off when it comes to you? I fill my time with work and wedding planning, but if I get a quiet moment…you’re there. Mocking me, telling me I was wrong, making me feel stupid. And the worst part? not knowing if you even think of me at all. It shouldn’t matter- I decided to give you up..shouldn’t I want you to be happy and not think of me? I don’t though. I hope your quiet moments are filled with me. Filled with the memory of my smell, my body, my movements, my touch, my laugh, my dumb jokes, my “hi” when I called you every night after work. I’m a very selfish bitch. I know this. But if you did think of these things, I would feel less crazy for thinking of you; thinking of your lips on my skin, your easy way of making me feel better, the way your eyes looked at me-through me, the way your hands felt when they touched my every spot. This might be hell. I might have dug myself a hole all the way to hell. I spend nights searching for you, any form of you, a new picture, a letter, an e-mail, a text, I know they won’t happen but that doesn’t stop me from looking every single night. I think this will fade…I think. I’m visiting on my own where you live soon for a basketball game and knowing our fate- I will run into you. I imagine what your face will look like, how angry you will look at me…I know I will cry instantly. I hope you try to smile.

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