Dear S,

I saw you in traffic yesterday, just briefly. Your face will always catch my eye.

Sometimes I think that I’m going to be ok. Yesterday, I thought that I would be ok. Then I come home to find my son and husband had had a big fight. Lovely. And then I’m back down again. There’s been a lot of improvement in my relationship with my husband, but then something like that happens. It feels hopeless. I have a good life, a pretty house, great kids and a husband who on the surface cares for me. On the surface, everything’s great. I should be happy. Unlike you, he fought for me, in his own way. That’s why I was going to stay, but I’m back at square one, not knowing what I should do.

I thought you would have my back. I feel so alone without you.

You know the truth, of course. I never stopped loving you. And knowing that we would have had a great life together is torture. Don’t misunderstand, you’re not up on some pedestal. I see your flaws. But balanced with the way I feel about you, I still wish I would have made different decisions. Well, that’s long past.

The last 2 years have been such a roller coaster ride. One day I’m flying, then the next falling. I’m happy when I’m with you. That’s what it boils down to. How many times have I written here begging you to come back? I can’t do that anymore, it’s just a constant wishing, not even a hope. I miss you.

Sometimes I think that I’m going to be ok. But sometimes, there are private moments when I can’t stand it another minute. Suicide? Not an option, but I imagine a knife at my wrist or neck. You don’t need to know that. I’ll never tell you.

I’ll always love you. I hope we find our way back.

S