Listen, this house that I am forced to share with you is an OLD ONE. That means, the walls are very thin.

I can hear your snoring. I can hear you laugh. I can hear you both when you hack up a lung each morning from your smoking and worst of all… I can hear you FUCK.

Now, I am no prude. I myself have been so caught up in the throes of passion that I let out audible screams of pure ecstasy so I understand. However, since I moved here first, I had the great fortune of occupying the main floor and basement of this house. My bedroom is appropriately situated in the basement where my screams will not be a nuisance to anyone.

See, I feel like I am too involved in your private sex life. I know how long you’re sexual escapades last and who is pleasuring who since you both love to moan. I know the frequency of your sex life and what times of day the two of you are most likely to get it on.

Perhaps if you were an attractive couple, I would be turned on by the noise but let’s face it. The both of you are unattractive in every sense of the word. Neither of you work, both of you are on welfare. You use the money you get from the government to buy and smoke pot – which I smell often when I enter the common hallway. You each chain smoke – the smell of which enters and lingers in my bathroom – getting all over the walls and on my clean bath towels. If your facial acne, yellowed teeth and nails and heavy statures are any indication of what’s going on under your clothes, I’d have to say that as far as looks go…well, let’s just say, I’d rather look in the opposite direction of which you stand.

I am very glad to hear that you will be moving at the end of this month. I hate to say but the racist schizophrenic, hoarding lady was much more pleasant to live around and also made less demands. See, when you were viewing the upstairs apartment, you were told there was no parking. Yet, due to you’re failure to read traffic signs and the 2hr parking sign on the street, you chose to live here anyway. Now that you’ve gotten traffic tickets, you are parking behind me in the driveway… to that we’ve been very accommodating.

If that was my only complaint – I wouldn’t care but NO. You have the audacity to complain about the showers we take when we are getting ready for work… complaining that the water isn’t hot enough in the morning. To that I say, “I’m sorry, but where the hell did your welfare asses have to go?” You stay home all day. You can shower at any other time in the day. Unlike you, we need to be clean and presentable to go to work to make money and pay taxes – some of which that contribute to social programs such as welfare. What is it that you two do again? Oh that’s right… NOTHING!

Furthermore, you have the audacity to complain again about OUR NOISE? Really? Well if that’s not the pot calling the kettle black, then I don’t know what is. See, we wouldn’t have to play our music so damn loud in the first place if YOU had the common decency to play your own music or pipe down when you get it on! Hubby and I are adults and while your sex sounds are not as shocking to us, we have a small child that doesn’t need to add “Fuck me harder.” and “I’m going to come.” to his vocabulary. Fuck you very much. So yes, we will do what you fail to do everyday and that is to cover up your lovemaking by playing music or the TV.

Go to hell, I hope your next neighbors are as good to you as you’ve been to us.

Sincerely,

Downstairs Neighbor