Why is everything in life so damn hard. Nothing in life is ever easy. No matter how amazing something may seem at the time, there’s always something, something bad, that keeps me from the perfect contentness of cloud 9. Then when the bad things seem to turn good, the good things seem to turn bad. I should’ve known it wouldn’t last. I waited and waited for something to go wrong, to find that one thing that would throw off everything good, but i never did… I honestly thought, “Wow, does this guy not have a single flaw? Can he truly be that Perfect?” …until now. I guess i just didn’t wait long enough. Lately, i keep finding flaws, flaws that i never had to worry about before. Things that i shouldn’t have to worry about. Sometimes, i wonder, does he care about me the same way i do? I know he loves me, and would never intentionally hurt me, but he is only human after all. The more i think about it, the more it stresses me out and eventually begins to tear me down from the inside out. I plan to have a serious talk with him as soon as possible about everything; the way i feel and about where we go from here, but i didn’t want to do it before New Years and kill the holiday for the both of us plus all our friends. Before new years tho, i happened to be over at this place with him n his friends just hanging out, and he could tell there was something on my mind, so when i was leaving, he walked me to my car and asked about it, i just hugged him and finally couldn’t take it, i promised myself i wouldn’t cry, that i’d wait till i got home so it wouldn’t give anything away, but i finally broke down and just couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. he begged me to tell him, but i couldn’t do it yet. i promised i would soon, but not yet. So I tried after new years: went to his apartment after work, had everything mapped out. What i was going to say, how i was gonna say it, everything was planned out. What i didn’t plan on, was 4 of his friends being there. I couldn’t do it with them all there. So here i am, still holding these emotions locked up inside, not quite sure what to do or what to do with myself. I know it’s not the end of the world. I’m not going to go kill myself over this, but it still hurts, and it will for a really long time. After all, He’s my first alot of things: pretty much my first official boyfriend. My first kiss. and My First Love. But sometimes i have to ask, “Dear Agony, why does it have to hurt so bad? Why can’t it all be simple? Why must you be so cruel?”

C’est La Vie – I used to live by those words. Now, i despise every time someone says it. Why must life be so? Instead of wasting my time in sorrow, i plan to leave it all behind, one way or another. Search, and keep searching until i find Happiness, one way or another. I will be Happy, I Will Find Happiness, and I WIll Find my Contentness of Cloud 9. One Way or Another…