We are in bed and it is early, but of course you are sleeping. PT early in the morning. I love you, army man. It’s just that sometimes I wish you only belonged to me. Anyway, I hate this hotel and I can’t sleep. Fayetteville is so charming.
I’ve been looking at this piece of jewelry on my finger for a good 30 minutes now just thinking to myself, “so this is what I wanted so badly?” A rock set in metal.
Before you asked me I was still trying to figure out if I was ready for it. I am strong enough to handle your deployments. I know that I will not fall apart without you. But do I want to subject myself to your constant absence? Will I resent you someday? Am I okay with not pursuing my dreams so that you can live yours?
I never got an answer out of myself, but you asked, and without second thought I said yes because it felt right at the moment. This happened just a week ago, so why am I not blissfully happy?
I love you so much but I don’t think I can trust you. There’s something about you that just infuriates me, almost constantly. Maybe it’s your emotional unavailability; your poor communication. I thought that was something you should be skilled in considering your work in the army. Though part of me is unhappy with our relationship, a larger part of me realizes that, despite the things you do that aggravate me, I am happy when I am with you. I cannot imagine my life moving forward without you and when you look at me I can see it in your eyes that you love me too. In fact, they always give you away. They are so beautiful, and so expressive I could get lost in them. It must be your Japanese heritage.
Despite my love for you, I cannot help but feel we may be all wrong for each other. I still feel like strangers. I’ve been with you for long, but how much actual time have we spent together? A few 4-day weekends here and there, and the occasional weeklong leave.
So as you turn over to hold me, all I can think and feel – as I lay here, now in your arms, is “how do I get out of this? Do I want out?”