• Should I Give Up or Should I Just Keep Chasing Pavements?

    by  • January 2, 2012 • Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    Dear K,

    I really don’t understand you. What do you want? Just tell me and I’ll give it to you. You use to make me so happy. Everyone who knows me could tell, even a kid I that I think hates me. However, at this point you’re making me angry and upset, which is how I was before I met you.

    As cliche as this sounds, it was fate that brought us together. I never thought I’d actually meet a decent guy at a Halloween party. We started making out on the dance floor. I was so angry and upset because of what happened with some guy, that I wanted to have a one night stand. I had never done anything like that before. That line from, “Crazy, stupid, love,” popped into my head, so I thought I’d try it on you. I guess, “Do you wanna get out of here,” really does work. We walked back to my empty apartment and went in my room.

    I think it was because of the alcohol that I wasn’t embarrassed about showing you my room. You did however tell me it looked like a twelve year old’s room. Anyway, we talked for a bit and then had sex. Instead of you pretending like you were tired, you decided to talk to me more. You told me some pretty personal things. Even though we had nothing in common, we both found out that we didn’t trust the opposite sex. Afterwards we cuddled and fell asleep.

    Morning came and I woke up and said to myself, oh god I hope this isn’t awkward and he leaves asap. Then you woke up and we started talking and then had sex. After that we talked some more and I said, “So are you gonna leave soon?” and you said, “I mean only if you want me to. I like staying in this bed with you.” In my head I was like, wtf is up with this guy, why won’t he leave, but part of me didn’t want you to leave. Then we cuddled some more, which surprised me because you were the one that wanted to cuddle. Finally we got out of bed and we ate breakfast together. Then it was time for you to go. It was cold outside so I let you borrow my hoodie, not expecting to get it back. You said you’d text me later…. psshhh like that was going to happen.

    A few hours later I get a text from you, we started talking. Finally after about three days of texting, you asked me to hang out. I was like wtf, seriously? At first I thought you just wanted to have sex with me again, but you didn’t. The thing that made me really happy was when you told me you liked that I was weird and that I didn’t care what anybody thought about me.

    After a month of seeing each other, I decided to ask you what you thought we were. You said, “I don’t know, what do you want?” We came to the conclusion that we were exclusive, but we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend. I was totally okay with that. Finally the end of the semester arrives. I would be back at school in two weeks and you would come back and forth on the weekends to work.

    Being at home was driving me nuts. All I did was think about you because I missed you. All I wanted from you was a text asking me how I was doing, but you never texted me. I was so upset because you always text me. I understand that you’re busy and work a lot, but a simple hi would have been fine.

    When I saw you for the first time in weeks, you didn’t even seem like you missed me, so I had to pretend like I didn’t miss you. The fact that I don’t trust guys, especially you, doesn’t help my situation. I have it in my head that there is someone else, that you did something with someone else. The reason you don’t want to tell me is because you know I won’t be able to handle the situation because it’ll crush me. Everyone keeps telling me you wouldn’t do that to me. I’m just waiting for you to mess up, so that I won’t fall for you. I’ve been fucked over so many times, that I can’t open up to people anymore. However, another part of me wants you to be the guy that proves me wrong. Again another cliche, but no guy has ever made me feel so special.

    The worst part is, I messed up. I made out with two people on New Years. I knew what I was doing, I had it in my head I was gonna make out with at least one person. I did it cause I was angry and upset. I don’t even feel bad for doing it. I know I’m being a hypocrite, but you really hurt me. You don’t even realize you’re doing it.

    I guess what I’m asking you is for you to show me that you actually care. I obviously care a lot about you. I stay up till 2:30 am for you because I know you like talking to someone after you’re done work. I’m there for you when you’re really drunk because you don’t like being alone, I even make you breakfast in the morning!! I put up with so much of your shit and I never ask you for anything because I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to be your girlfriend?

    I don’t know where this is going, but I have it in my head that it’s going to end soon, so that I won’t be upset when you decide to walk out of my life. Why couldn’t you just have been like every other one night stand? You just had to text me. Ugh. I don’t know what I’m gonna do, but I really hope that things get better between us. I hope you realize that I’m distancing myself from you and that you do something about it. If you don’t want to see me anymore I understand, but don’t keep dragging me along.

    From, S

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