I was hoping at some point to say this to you in person, but you’ve turned out to be the same person I thought had changed.
Fall 2010 was amazing and fucked up at the same time. I still can’t believe how quickly we hit it off, became friends and more. But then it became obvious you weren’t ready to share your feelings with me and were using me as a replacement for your absent boyfriend while I was in a really bad place with mine. You relied too much on drugs (you grew “tomatoes”) and I finally had enough in Spring. When I walked away from you, I thought the door had closed. I patched things up with my boyfriend and didn’t really think about you.
So imagine my surprise in the Fall when I suddenly get a text out of the blue from you explaining that you valued me and our friendship and wanted to try and start again. My first reaction was to ignore you completely – no one gets second chances with me, especially those who have hurt me so deep. It’s only because of a mutual friend of ours, who especially cares, that I contacted you.
Meeting you after several months was odd; all the feelings I had thought were gone were still there. I guess I am to blame, I didn’t really deal with anything, I just shut it out. But, here we were, chatting about what had happened, who was to blame for blabbing too much and how we had both changed. I couldn’t believe how much you had cleaned yourself up, you finally apologized, and talked to me like an adult.
I am glad things were more civilized between us, although since we work together in a sort of way, I would never have been rude to you at work. It was nice to chat with you and see you from time to time, I’ll never forget your smile – it is truly intoxicating. When we went out in late October, I couldn’t help but feel some of the awkwardness, it truly felt like a date more than a friendly night out. I was so hurt by you however, when you texted me afterwards stating that you were a “bit attracted to me” still and now you could put it into a friendship category. This makes no sense, attraction is on or off..and I am not attracted to any of my friends. Why, after everything that we went through, could you not tell me to my face. It’s rather insulting that you chose to hide behind a text.
Bring it up to now, and I still don’t understand you. You’re reverting to the same person you were before and it’s crushing. You barely contact me and when you do it’s like you’re leading me on or trying to gain control of some sort of situation that’s not there. Or we see each other at work, make eye contact and you literally walk the other way; what the hell is wrong with you?! Basically, I feel like you’re treating me like a jerk and you’re acting like a child. You still have some growing up to do and feelings to sort out. It’s all very odd to think about someone you’re in contact with on a fleeting basis, yet every time we’re together it feels like we’ve known each other for ever. Our mutual friend is almost certain you’re going though the same thing I am.
So, why am I saying all this? Simple, as much as I feel mistreated by you, I like you. In fact, I like you a lot, way more than just a friend. I wish I met you in a different time and place, where we weren’t in complicated relationships we probably shouldn’t be in. Although I love my boyfriend, the final verdict is that I am not “in love” with him anymore and this I figured out without you. And I am not in love with you either, that’s something that has to develop if it comes to anything between us. I am finally comfortable in saying this to you because it does explain the unreal ups and downs with emotions that have plagued me over the last year or so.
M, you are one in a million. I like you for so many reasons I know and the ones I don’t. These feelings aren’t created or infatuation based, they’re all to real and genuine. I’ll never be able to change my feelings for you, I’ll just have to walk away.
I will try to be there for you if you’re in real trouble or really need someone to cry with, but for now and perhaps forever it’s time for me to walk away. When and if you grow up, find me, there’s always a little bird to tell me what’s going on.
Be good to yourself, don’t lose sight of your dreams, and I care for you deeply,