I just want you to know that I totally effed up. DO you even remember or has it been so long that you don’t think about it? You moved to NJ for me & treated you like hired help. All of the mixed msgs, the girls I dated since we were just “roommates,” the patience you displayed………… It is no wonder you started clubbin and taking X every night. You were the only best friend that I ever had, I would of done anything for you, but it/you scared me. I was afraid that you would see right through me & know that I was hooked, & that it was you and only you, always! It might not be fair for me to say this, but WHY didn’t you fight harder if you loved me as much as you said you did? Why did you let me move out? DId you really not know that all of those other girls were my way of trying to figure “us” out. I miss kissing you… Even if you were confused by me and my actions, our makeout sessions should of told you everything. I still think about kissing you, and I always compare the girls I kiss to you. So I move out, you get with “him.” And I know at first you did not love him… We had so many talks, ones that I now realize were secret pleas, waiting for me to tell you that YOU are who I wanted to be with, forever! I guess we both only saw what we wanted to see… JJ, and you will always be JJ to me, I still think about you all the time, even after 12 years. I know that you thought about me for a long time, because you told me about 5-6 years ago when we spoke on the phone, the last time we spoke on the phone. I can NOT believe that I have not seen you in at least 7 years, probably closer to 8… I still find it HARD to believe that you are in love with him, I know that you love and care about him, but in love, NO WAY. How can YOU of all ppl be with someone who controls you as much as he does? I really hope that we see each other again because I have to tell you how I feel…. I should of done this soooo long ago, & honestly, I do not expect anything from you. While I want to be your everything, still, I want my best friend back SOO badly. I sent you a msg on FB a couple years ago before my trip to central America, & you said you were about to have kid #2. I have meant to write you back soooo many times but I have not done it. That will change today. Why can’t you just secretly stumble onto this letter??? lol That would be way too easy I guess. Anyway, no matter what, I just want you to be happy and live the life that we used to talk about for hours and hours, listening to the top gun cd, smashing pumpkins, Don’t Speak from “No Doubt”, Lovefool (R&J soundtrack), or your new fav. group at the time, jamiroquai, or how could we forget laying in bed listening to Alanis? Isn’t it ironic? LOL From the moment we met, when you came down the hall and introduced yourself, I knew there was something special and unique about you. Everyone thought that we were fcking and the funny thing is the first 4-5 months, we were JUST friends. Then the night before my GF in Italy came to see me, we were cuddling, watching the movie, my arm around you as we fell asleep, and of course I awoke to you sucking on my fingers…lol Talk about being suggestive. Then we rolled over, I was on top of you & we kissed for the first time, and from that moment on, I knew it was YOU.. I can’t change the past, and we are who we are because of it. I would not change anything about you because in my eyes, you are perfect just the way you are. Just know that I have, still do, and always will LOVE YOU with all my heart. Thank you for being you! -D