My brain is a fucking asshole. I don’t process things like normal people should. My living conditions aren’t that bad, not much is truly affecting me emotionally, but still, I get sad as fuck. I get sad over stupid shit that doesn’t matter. I feel like sleeping forever. I’ve thought about suicide in the past, but I would never do it. I need medication. Or a counselor. Or a girl.
A girl. I’ve fucked up so bad recently. One girl I let slip away, a girl I could’ve been with for a long while. The next one I was just playing with, and I felt like an asshole about it. And now another one, a girl i’m talking to a lot. She’s fucking amazing. Kind of shy, really cute, and i’m about 90% sure i’ll fuck this one up too.
Cancer. A dear friend of mine got fucking cancer in her spine and brain. What the fuck. She’s only 19 years old. She’s one of the nicest people ever. She’s in college. She’s fucking smart. Why does shit happen like this? This is why I think god is an asshole. If he cared so god damn much about everyone, shit like this wouldn’t happen.
I’m a fucking dick to people. I try not to be. But it fucking happens. I think something’s funny, and I play it til the ends of the earth, and then I end up making a lot of people mad or hurt. I regret doing a lot of the things i’ve done, and it’s hard for me to not do them.
I have to carry my fucking high school soccer team. I’m the only male select player in the whole damn school. I’ve made promises of going to districts; getting all these non-soccer players to win a league. I don’t know how the fuck i’m going to do that. I have no where I can gain any sort of guidance from. I either have to do everything my self, or somehow become this great idolized leader that everyone can come to for help. None of those fuckers care anyways, so not like it matters.
School is raping me. My depression doesn’t help. Fucking AP classes. I’m smart enough, I just have zero motivation.
I don’t know what the fuck i’m going to do about all of this. I need a girl. And guidance. I’m so fucking stupid.