• I finally said it

    by  • November 29, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Moving On • 0 Comments

    I thought about that since the very day I saw you. It was more than a crush, I think for the first time, that day I believed in love at first sight. Well, if that was not love, at least was a very deep feeling. And it grows every day for almost 2 years.

    I was very confused. Sometimes it looks that you felt the same for me. Other times your indifference was overwhelming. And since the “just as a friend” treatment was happening more often, I decided to keep those feelings for myself. But something so big is so difficult to keep inside. What’s the point of feeling something so nice if it’s impossible to share it? So my way of telling you how in love I was with you was with little details. I visited you when you were sick. I bought you little action figures for your collection. I sent you songs. I went with you to the shops. I bought you a little something every time that I went away. And I tried to make you part of my life by inviting you to chat with my family and my friends. They all knew about you. They all knew how important you were to me, and how much I was feeling for you. And I was so confused that I asked my friends for advice, and each and one of them said “tell him”. Amongst a lot of other words, they all recommend to speak about that. With you. So I considered the idea for a long time. Besides rejection, I knew the friendship was going to die. Forever. And I’m not complaining, you were a good friend. I can’t say anything bad about you as a friend.

    I wrote you so many letters. I cried so much for you. I suffer in silence because you can’t see me. Yes, I am the super cool foreigner friend. And that day, my last day before my holidays I had ready a card, with all my naked feelings there. And I didn’t give you the card. So then I sent you a text message. But I was fine. I thought I could live with that. I knew what the answer was. Deep in my heart I knew you didn’t feel the same. And now you are feeling sorry for me. After we talked, you pretend to be concerned and pretend that you care. Of course this is very good for your self esteem, for you ego. Now you’re not the nerd who got rejected all the time. Now an even bigger nerd was rejected by you. And I feel like crap and I wish I have never said anything. I have 2 days crying, and thinking that I have to be professional. And I don’t want to lose my job, but I don’t want to face you. You and I will pretend nothing happened. But I will just try to be out of your way. Not for you, but for me. Because I know I deserve better than a guy who thinks I am not good enough. A guy who thinks saying “it’s not you but it’s no me either” is a nice thing to say. Someone who said “I don’t want that from you”… “That”… sounds like if it was something bad. But you know? You should know how lucky you are. For having ME feeling this for you. God only knows if you someday will regret this, but even if you regret it today, it’s too late already. I’m sad now, but I know my own value. I have a big heart. I don’t keep hard feelings. I have a lot interests. I even know how to play a musical instrument. And I was willing to give you the best of me. My best hours, my best compliments, the very best on me. So I know a lot of people will tell me the same: He’s not worth it. And I know they’re right. But they always said that even to people they don’t know. But I know myself. I know I’m the prettiest, or the skinniest, sometimes I am in a bad mood, and have a lot of pet peeves. But who doesn’t? I also know that I am loyal and faithful, and I accept people the way they are. And I did all of that for you. So yes, I am hurt. I will be hurt for a while. Well, at least my attention is free from you now. Now I can focus on someone else. Someone who actually thinks I am awesome. And someone who deserve my loyalty, and a present every time I have to go away. At least I know I can love with all my heart. So at this moment the only thing I want is to get over this with my dignity intact.

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