To my mother and father,
No one can argue that my existence is undeniably your faults. I know I can never ask you two to get back together, (I would never, ever want you to), but for my sanity could you please try to mend some of the differences between you both. I understand there are hurt feelings and tension on both sides. But that does not give you the right to use me as the middleman. I’m tired of hearing what goes on between you. I’m tired of having emails shown to me. And I’m tired of hearing you both insinuate that the other is a bad parent.
1. The Money Issue
Yes, I had a negative balance of $55.03 for about two weeks, longer if you count the negative balance I had for the 2 weeks before that. This has now been taken care of. I try to refrain from asking either of you for money because I know how hard it is for both households and I don’t want to be an extra mouth to feed. I am technically an adult and as an adult I wish I could be able to take care of myself, instead of relying on “mommy and daddy” to do everything for me. But because I am all your fault I do appreciate having money to survive, especially because I will most likely be the one taking care of each of you when I’m older. Now, I do have a bank account attached to mom’s. This should help ease the burden of sending down checks, as I had originally requested.
The only reason I wanted to keep my own account was because I was afraid you would criticize my spending habits as I ‘went through money like water.’ Accusing me of things I did not do, such as ‘feeding everyone in the dorms,’ hurt. I know how hard it is on both households. Why did you think I had two jobs? Why do you think I tried to pay for my own gas and some of my college apps. Why do you think I hate going to the doctor when I’m sick? It makes me hate asking for your money and for your help. I feel like I have to hide every penny I spend, whether it is on groceries of gas, or if it is on an indulgence, such as a new shirt for an interview. I was so anxious about being called a spendthrift that I often neglected to tell you until the very last minute when I needed money or until I was so desperate that it ended up causing riffs anyway. This is why it has taken me so long to address you about this and several other issues.
2. The Stupid Shuttle Situation
Obviously, I would like to come home for Christmas break. Mom, I understand you don’t want me driving home by myself in ‘that car’ because you’re afraid for my safety. This is a completely reasonable fear for any parent. But you would barely listen to my side of the argument. I really wanted the experience of driving home for break. I also wanted the use of my car during break, especially because I remember how much of a burden it was over the summer when I didn’t have it for a week. The fighting and tension is something I don’t need. Either way, I told you I would most likely not be driving by myself. My friends also said, if I drove, they would help me with gas money. I thought you would be overjoyed by this economically sound decision. Not only that, but I would be guaranteed stops along the way. But it caused so much unneeded tension that I eventually gave in. I was so tired of the phone calls and arguments about it. I eventually decided my life would be easier if I just said, ‘Book the flight.’ Then I wouldn’t have to get myself worked up over every phone call home. I was wrong.
The shuttle has become a glaring issue. I love you both but I am so tired of hearing about it. Each of you complains about lack of communication and funds. If you want me home, as I would like to be considering it is Christmas, please find a way to make this work. I don’t care how, I just don’t want to be stuck in the middle anymore , especially while I’m trying to focus on my finals.
As much as I love living in Bates West, it is the best experience I would NEVER, EVER repeat. Living basically undisturbed in the basement was essentially THE worst thing to prepare me for sharing an apartment in college. There are ups and downs to living here. I am happy that I was able to make friends on my floor and to have had the reality of college life, but I am honestly questioning if I’ll even make it through the next semester, let alone a few more years of this. I should be able to sleep and study in my own room, but I often find myself being either woken up or kept up by not only my roommates, but the ‘college atmosphere’ as well. And as for studying, I’ve spent several nights in the library until late, and then had to walk back to my car by myself to get all the way back to Bates West, if I did not have a buddy to walk with me. I honestly do not feel safe at night by myself doing this. As I’m sure you’ll both agree, it would be much safer and more practical for me to just study in my room or dorm, but I’m finding it to be impossible. There are several other reasons I would like to move out of the dorms as well, ranging from the burst pipe that has led to nothing but a dank, moldy smell that has yet to be fully repaired to my desire to get away from all of the drugs and drinking and to my wish to establish residence in SC in order to have a better chance of getting into the Dental School here.
In the long run I believe this would be the best option for me.
I’m almost nineteen years old. There are times when I feel like I’m twelve. As cliché as it sounds when I say ‘everyone,’ I really do feel as if everyone asks me why I still ask my parents permission to do anything. I keep hearing. “You’re an adult now.” “You have to start making your own decisions.” “Live your own life.” And many, many more. I feel as if I need to get out of that ‘my parents know best’ mentality and start thinking and making decisions on my own. I’m not saying that I want either of you to get out of my life. On the contrary, as my parents, I value your opinions and there is going to be a scary day when neither of you can physically be there for me. But I’m so afraid that if I do this you’re going to ostracize me and give me the silent treatment for not ‘doing as I’m told.’ Is it possible for us to have an open dialogue about these things as I’m sure, as adults, we are all capable of without hurting each others feelings and valuing each other’s different opinions?
I’ve been so far from home over the past four months. I’m a bit used to doing things my own way now. I’ve kept some old habits and developed some new ones. I understand if you’re both not going to be used to it. It’s going to be really weird for me to actually ask permission to go out or see friends or use the car instead of going and doing just that. So please forgive me if I get frustrated at times. I’m sorry in advance.
I did not send this email to hurt anyone’s feelings. I am simply sending it to try and get my thoughts across in as clear a manner as I know how. I love you both and I would never trade you for anyone else in the world, even if I wish I was a little more normal. I’m sorry I waited so long to let you both know what was running through my head.